"An injury to one's sense of self forges some bonds. The self-injury
becomes part of the fabric of the relationship and further disrupts the
natural unfolding of the self. When this involves terror of any sort,
an emptiness forms at the core of the person and the self becomes
inconsolable. No addiction can fill it. Not denial of self will
restore it. No single gesture will be believable. Only a profound sens
of the human community caring for the self can seal up this hole. We
call this wound shame.
"This part of your recovery agenda
looks at how the relationship forced you to devalue the self, and plans
for self-restoration to the human community. Start by making a list of
how the relationship devalued you. Think of times you felt unworthy,
embarrassed, flawed or ashamed. Make a list of ten sources of shame in
the relationship." - Patrick J. Carnes, Ph.D. in Betrayal Bond
Shame recovery is hard. We get used to hurting ourselves then get into relationships that are harmful.
Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado. She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Wednesday, August 28, 2013
Saturday, July 20, 2013
Three types of reasons to prune
"In business and in life, executing the three types of necessary endings...is what characterizes people who get results. (1) If an initiative is siphoning off resources that could go to something with more promise, it is pruned. (2) If an endeavor is sick and is not going to get well, it is pruned. (3) If it's clear that something is already dead, it is pruned. This is the threefold formula for doing well in almost every arena of life.
"The areas of your business and life that require your limited resources--your time, energy, talent, emotions, money--but are not achieving the vision you have for them should be pruned. Just like an unpruned rosebush, your endeavors will be merely average without pruning. And here is the key point: by average. I don't mean on an absolute basis. There is nothing wrong with being in the middle of the bell curve in many aspects of life, as that may be what success is for that person or at least that dimension of life. I have friends who own small businesses of less than average size in their industry or by other measurements, yet they have a fully maximized, thriving enterprise for what it is and is supposed to be. Hundreds of employees and tens of millions of dollars is a great rose of a business and a life for what their talents, dreams, and opportunities consist of. Not the size of Microsoft perhaps, but they have achieved fullness of maturity for their company and/or life. Alive and thriving to the max. But without pruning, they would not have gotten there. And by the same token, if Microsoft or a much bigger company with tens of billions in revenues is not pruning, just because they are large, they can still be "average" relative to their own potential. They can truly be lagging behind where they should be.
"So the question is more about this: are you only achieving average results in relation to where you or your business or team is supposed to be? In other words, giving your abilities, resources, opportunities, etc., are you reaching your full potential, or are you drifting toward a middle that is lower than where you should be if you were getting the most from who you are and what you have? When pruning is not happening, average or worse will occur.
"Too often, as bad as the results of not pruning can be, we still persist in avoiding it because it involves fear, pain, and conflict. Yet in order to succeed, we must prune. How does that make you feel? Conflicted? Welcome to the inner turmoil of necessary endings." - Dr. Henry Cloud in Necessary Endings
We have to get rid of the things things that hold us back from being the best person we can be. Not to be average or mediocre but to reach our full potential. How exciting is that. To have the healthy relationships, to be in or working towards a fulfilling career or life, these are worthwhile potentials.
Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado. She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928
"The areas of your business and life that require your limited resources--your time, energy, talent, emotions, money--but are not achieving the vision you have for them should be pruned. Just like an unpruned rosebush, your endeavors will be merely average without pruning. And here is the key point: by average. I don't mean on an absolute basis. There is nothing wrong with being in the middle of the bell curve in many aspects of life, as that may be what success is for that person or at least that dimension of life. I have friends who own small businesses of less than average size in their industry or by other measurements, yet they have a fully maximized, thriving enterprise for what it is and is supposed to be. Hundreds of employees and tens of millions of dollars is a great rose of a business and a life for what their talents, dreams, and opportunities consist of. Not the size of Microsoft perhaps, but they have achieved fullness of maturity for their company and/or life. Alive and thriving to the max. But without pruning, they would not have gotten there. And by the same token, if Microsoft or a much bigger company with tens of billions in revenues is not pruning, just because they are large, they can still be "average" relative to their own potential. They can truly be lagging behind where they should be.
"So the question is more about this: are you only achieving average results in relation to where you or your business or team is supposed to be? In other words, giving your abilities, resources, opportunities, etc., are you reaching your full potential, or are you drifting toward a middle that is lower than where you should be if you were getting the most from who you are and what you have? When pruning is not happening, average or worse will occur.
"Too often, as bad as the results of not pruning can be, we still persist in avoiding it because it involves fear, pain, and conflict. Yet in order to succeed, we must prune. How does that make you feel? Conflicted? Welcome to the inner turmoil of necessary endings." - Dr. Henry Cloud in Necessary Endings
We have to get rid of the things things that hold us back from being the best person we can be. Not to be average or mediocre but to reach our full potential. How exciting is that. To have the healthy relationships, to be in or working towards a fulfilling career or life, these are worthwhile potentials.
Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado. She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928
Thursday, July 18, 2013
The pressure is off
"The world is less overwhelming, threatening, and unpredictable now.
The sun can shine brighter and the stars are close. If I stop to smell
the flowers and pet the dog and take notice of what is working in my
life, I am less inclined to focus on someone else' stuff. I have plenty
of my own, and that is just fine....
"Life is not perfect, but it certainly holds more possibility. The pressure is off when you are not longer driven to manage everybody and everything. That alone makes life a whole lot more promising.
"I am not responsible for anyone else' perfection, and I don't have to be perfect, either. Compared to where I have been, this is a state of grace." - Barbara Victoria in It's Not About You, Except When It Is
The pressure is off when we stop trying to make everyone conform to who we want them to be. At times it is hard to do, but the internal rewards are greater for you and the other person. They can learn from their mistakes on their own and you from yours.
Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado. She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928
"Life is not perfect, but it certainly holds more possibility. The pressure is off when you are not longer driven to manage everybody and everything. That alone makes life a whole lot more promising.
"I am not responsible for anyone else' perfection, and I don't have to be perfect, either. Compared to where I have been, this is a state of grace." - Barbara Victoria in It's Not About You, Except When It Is
The pressure is off when we stop trying to make everyone conform to who we want them to be. At times it is hard to do, but the internal rewards are greater for you and the other person. They can learn from their mistakes on their own and you from yours.
Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado. She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928
Leaders unable to end
"Leaders are people, and people have issues that get in the way of
the best-made ideas, and realities. And when it comes to endings, there
is no shortage of issues that keep people stuck.
"Somewhere along the line, we have not been equipped with the discernment, courage, and skills needed to initiate, follow through, and complete these necessary endings. We are not prepared to go where we need to go. So we do not clearly see the need to end something, or we maintain false hope, or we just are not able to do it. As a result, we stay stuck in what should now be in our past. And these abilities are not only lacking in the world of business. They appear in the personal side of life as well.
"Think of the now ubiquitous "failure of launch" syndrome of those twenty- or thirty- somethings still living with their parents. They cannot end childhood and fully enter adulthood. But the bigger issue is often the parents' inability to end the patter and stop the toxic dependency by pushing the grown "kid" out of the nest. They refuse to end their "helping" role, which is not a fact helping. Another tragic example is the inability of many women to walk out the door when they are being abused. Fears and vulnerabilities keep them stuck in devastating patterns that ought to end. Likewise, in the world of work, because of security fears, some cannot have jobs that are keeping them stuck and unfulfilled. In sum, we are not prepared or equipped to take the next step, the one we really need to take.
And it is not only the endings that we must proactively execute that are problematic. There are also the endings that are forced upon us, endings we do not choose but that we cannot work through very well either. As a result, we remain in pain or stuck, unable to pursue a new phase in life. These endings include divorce, being fired or laid off, death of a loved one, disintegration of a friendship, chronic illness, and so on. We do not choose these endings; they are thrust upon us by people we have trusted or sometimes by truly horrible events in life. If we are not prepared or have had too many losses before, these endings can render us broken, depressed, and floundering, sometimes for years.
"We we fail to end things well, we are destined to repeat the mistakes that keep us from moving on. We chose the same kind of dysfunctional person or demoralizing job again. Not learning our lessons and proactively dealing with them, we make the same business or personal mistakes over and over. Learning how to do an ending well and how to metabolize the experience allows us to move beyond patterns of behavior that may have tripped us up in the past. We do not have to keep repeating the same patterns." Dr. Henry Cloud in Necessary Endings.
The inability to end a necessary stop of a toxic relationship, of business plan no longer profitable, or any other unhealthy situation is detrimental to our businesses and our lives. Staying stuck may feel secure to some extent but it is a hindrance to our lives.
Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado. She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928
"Somewhere along the line, we have not been equipped with the discernment, courage, and skills needed to initiate, follow through, and complete these necessary endings. We are not prepared to go where we need to go. So we do not clearly see the need to end something, or we maintain false hope, or we just are not able to do it. As a result, we stay stuck in what should now be in our past. And these abilities are not only lacking in the world of business. They appear in the personal side of life as well.
"Think of the now ubiquitous "failure of launch" syndrome of those twenty- or thirty- somethings still living with their parents. They cannot end childhood and fully enter adulthood. But the bigger issue is often the parents' inability to end the patter and stop the toxic dependency by pushing the grown "kid" out of the nest. They refuse to end their "helping" role, which is not a fact helping. Another tragic example is the inability of many women to walk out the door when they are being abused. Fears and vulnerabilities keep them stuck in devastating patterns that ought to end. Likewise, in the world of work, because of security fears, some cannot have jobs that are keeping them stuck and unfulfilled. In sum, we are not prepared or equipped to take the next step, the one we really need to take.
And it is not only the endings that we must proactively execute that are problematic. There are also the endings that are forced upon us, endings we do not choose but that we cannot work through very well either. As a result, we remain in pain or stuck, unable to pursue a new phase in life. These endings include divorce, being fired or laid off, death of a loved one, disintegration of a friendship, chronic illness, and so on. We do not choose these endings; they are thrust upon us by people we have trusted or sometimes by truly horrible events in life. If we are not prepared or have had too many losses before, these endings can render us broken, depressed, and floundering, sometimes for years.
"We we fail to end things well, we are destined to repeat the mistakes that keep us from moving on. We chose the same kind of dysfunctional person or demoralizing job again. Not learning our lessons and proactively dealing with them, we make the same business or personal mistakes over and over. Learning how to do an ending well and how to metabolize the experience allows us to move beyond patterns of behavior that may have tripped us up in the past. We do not have to keep repeating the same patterns." Dr. Henry Cloud in Necessary Endings.
The inability to end a necessary stop of a toxic relationship, of business plan no longer profitable, or any other unhealthy situation is detrimental to our businesses and our lives. Staying stuck may feel secure to some extent but it is a hindrance to our lives.
Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado. She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928
Tuesday, June 25, 2013
Coaddicts grieving
"One of the first reactions of a grieving person is the denial of the
loss of the loved one. The loss of the relationship because of
addictive involvement generates all those basic human processes involved
at separation: hope, denial, anger, despair, and loneliness. A
grieving person resolves pain by acknowledging the loss and reconnecting
with others. Losing a loved one to addiction, however, has the
potential of keeping one stuck in the early stages of grief and never
coming to resolution. The addict is still present in one's life even
though the loss of the relationship is real.
"Therein is the bind of the 'coaddict,' or the loved one or friend who becomes so involved in the life of the addict that he or she truly starts to participate in the same impaired mental processes of the addict. As 'courtship goes awry' for the the addict, the grief cycle for the loved one, one also becomes distorted. By definition, the addict replaces normal human relationships with sexual compulsiveness. Loved ones feel the loss, try to deny it, and become angry, feeling despair and sometimes hope. The coaddicts' efforts to restore the relationship are not only ineffective, they can intensify and deepen the addictive system for the addict. To compound the tragedy, coaddict will take actions which are self-destructive, degrading, or even profound violations of their own values. Family members, as coaddicts, become part of the problem. Hence the prefix co-." - Patrick Carnes, Ph.D. in Out of the Shadows
Grief and loss are not the feelings that come to mind with family and spouses of addicts. However, those are real feelings that coaddicts go through. They haven't lost the addict in a physical sense but the hopes and dreams for the relationship and the addict have died.
Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado. She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928
"Therein is the bind of the 'coaddict,' or the loved one or friend who becomes so involved in the life of the addict that he or she truly starts to participate in the same impaired mental processes of the addict. As 'courtship goes awry' for the the addict, the grief cycle for the loved one, one also becomes distorted. By definition, the addict replaces normal human relationships with sexual compulsiveness. Loved ones feel the loss, try to deny it, and become angry, feeling despair and sometimes hope. The coaddicts' efforts to restore the relationship are not only ineffective, they can intensify and deepen the addictive system for the addict. To compound the tragedy, coaddict will take actions which are self-destructive, degrading, or even profound violations of their own values. Family members, as coaddicts, become part of the problem. Hence the prefix co-." - Patrick Carnes, Ph.D. in Out of the Shadows
Grief and loss are not the feelings that come to mind with family and spouses of addicts. However, those are real feelings that coaddicts go through. They haven't lost the addict in a physical sense but the hopes and dreams for the relationship and the addict have died.
Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado. She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928
Friday, June 14, 2013
Accepting a compliment
"Nearly everyone who is asked, 'What is the proper response to a
compliment?' replies, 'Say 'thank you.'' But when actually offered a
compliment, only a third of people accept it so simply and smoothly,
found linguist Robert Herbert of Binghamton University.
"The difficulty lies in the fact that a compliment ('What a nice sweater!') has two levels: a gift component (accept or reject) and a content component (agree or disagree). The addressee is confronted with a dilemma--how to respond simultaneously to both: 'I must agree with the speaker and thank him for the gift of a compliment while avoiding self-praise.'
"Contrary to conventional wisdom, women aren't worse than men at accepting compliments. It is the gender of the compliment-giver that most influences the response. Women and men are both more likely to accept a compliment coming from a man than from a woman. When a man says, 'Nice scarf," a woman is more likely to respond affirmatively. 'Thanks, my sister knitted it for me.'
"But when one woman tells another, 'That's a beautiful sweater,' she is likely to demur or deflect: 'It was on sale at Walmart, and they didn't even have the color I wanted.' Such a response, intended to make the complimenter feel that recipient isn't overly proud, only makes her feel awkward or invalidated instead.
"Compliments can expose a wide range of social ineptitude. Responses Herbert recorded include 'praise upgrades' ('Yes, it really brings out the blue in my eyes'), follow-up questions ('Do you really think so? Do you want to borrow it?') and disagreement ('it's itchy, I hate it'). Better to make a relevant, related comment ('Thanks, it's my favorite'). But nothing tops a smile, looking the complimenter in the eye, and saying, 'Thank you.'" - Mary Loftus in Psychology Today March/April 2013
We can make others feel bad when they compliment us. Learning how to take a compliment can do wonders for our relationships.
Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado. She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928
"The difficulty lies in the fact that a compliment ('What a nice sweater!') has two levels: a gift component (accept or reject) and a content component (agree or disagree). The addressee is confronted with a dilemma--how to respond simultaneously to both: 'I must agree with the speaker and thank him for the gift of a compliment while avoiding self-praise.'
"Contrary to conventional wisdom, women aren't worse than men at accepting compliments. It is the gender of the compliment-giver that most influences the response. Women and men are both more likely to accept a compliment coming from a man than from a woman. When a man says, 'Nice scarf," a woman is more likely to respond affirmatively. 'Thanks, my sister knitted it for me.'
"But when one woman tells another, 'That's a beautiful sweater,' she is likely to demur or deflect: 'It was on sale at Walmart, and they didn't even have the color I wanted.' Such a response, intended to make the complimenter feel that recipient isn't overly proud, only makes her feel awkward or invalidated instead.
"Compliments can expose a wide range of social ineptitude. Responses Herbert recorded include 'praise upgrades' ('Yes, it really brings out the blue in my eyes'), follow-up questions ('Do you really think so? Do you want to borrow it?') and disagreement ('it's itchy, I hate it'). Better to make a relevant, related comment ('Thanks, it's my favorite'). But nothing tops a smile, looking the complimenter in the eye, and saying, 'Thank you.'" - Mary Loftus in Psychology Today March/April 2013
We can make others feel bad when they compliment us. Learning how to take a compliment can do wonders for our relationships.
Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado. She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928
Tuesday, June 11, 2013
Listening to each other
A funny - listening to each others feelings is important.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-4EDhdAHrOg
Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado. She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-4EDhdAHrOg
Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado. She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928
Sunday, June 2, 2013
Pursuing happiness
"Contrast... attitude and behavior with that of happy people. Those
who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord!" instead of
"Good Lord, morning," usually do not find themselves in that place by
happenstance. They find themselves there by exercising God-given energy,
investing their time, moment by moment and day after day, in the
activities of building a life that is fulfilling and meaningful. In
effect, they are living out the created order itself. God designed us
to be, in his image, persons who use their hearts, minds, souls, and
strength to create and invest themselves in producing life. They build
relationships and use their talents and abilities to achieve things, and
God wants to do the same. He wants us to be active toward life, not
passive.
"Happy people are active, not passive, in their pursuit of life. If you look at some to of the activities that research has proven produces happiness, you'll see that it takes effort and investment. For example, happy people invest their time:
* Building deep relationships and community: they belong to support groups, participate in Bible studies, or have structured times of getting together with friends and family and nurturing those relationships.
* Being involved in growth activities: they see a coach or a counselor or attend some kind of growth group.
* Pursuing goals: they have physical, financial, vocational, avocational, or other goals they're working toward.
* Serving others: they have found meaningful ways to spiritual activities, such as prayer, meditation, Bible study, retreats, and so forth.
* Exercising and staying healthy: they have some sort of routine that they follow to stay active and pursue a healthy lifestyle.
* Practicing gratitude: they regularly express gratitude to God and others.
* Pursuing activities they love: they find their passions and pursue them.
* Stretching themselves: they look for activities and goals that push them to be all they can be.
* Resolving pain and conflicts: whether in relationships or in their own souls, happy people do not avoid problems but do what is necessary to heal them." - Henry Cloud in The Law of Happiness
Our attitude and behaviors can and do effect our happiness. We must be proactive in our happiness pursuing.
Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado. She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928
"Happy people are active, not passive, in their pursuit of life. If you look at some to of the activities that research has proven produces happiness, you'll see that it takes effort and investment. For example, happy people invest their time:
* Building deep relationships and community: they belong to support groups, participate in Bible studies, or have structured times of getting together with friends and family and nurturing those relationships.
* Being involved in growth activities: they see a coach or a counselor or attend some kind of growth group.
* Pursuing goals: they have physical, financial, vocational, avocational, or other goals they're working toward.
* Serving others: they have found meaningful ways to spiritual activities, such as prayer, meditation, Bible study, retreats, and so forth.
* Exercising and staying healthy: they have some sort of routine that they follow to stay active and pursue a healthy lifestyle.
* Practicing gratitude: they regularly express gratitude to God and others.
* Pursuing activities they love: they find their passions and pursue them.
* Stretching themselves: they look for activities and goals that push them to be all they can be.
* Resolving pain and conflicts: whether in relationships or in their own souls, happy people do not avoid problems but do what is necessary to heal them." - Henry Cloud in The Law of Happiness
Our attitude and behaviors can and do effect our happiness. We must be proactive in our happiness pursuing.
Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado. She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928
Monday, May 27, 2013
Giving people what they don't deserve
"Grace is about giving people what they don't deserve--extending
unmerited favor. If we all got exactly what we deserved and only what
we deserved, most of us would not be where we are today.
"Think of all the times that someone--a parent, a friend, coworker, or even a Good Samaritan--extending a kindness to you that you didn't earn.
"If you approach others with the attitude that you will only give them as much they give to you, your relationship never will have a chance to grow beyond that point. But when someone makes a gesture based on grace--a gift or good deed that is unearned or undeserved---the relationship is deepened and enriched for both parties.
"A gift given in grace will delight the one who receives it, as well as the one who gives it. Grace is one of the deepest forms of communication in any relationship. It says you care about someone for who that person is, not just what he or she does for you." - Mark Sanborn in Fred 2.0
In a relationship both parties give grace at one time or another. Sometimes in a relationship we need to extend grace when none is ever given by the other person. We sometimes need to be that one that extends kindness they didn't deserve.
Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado. She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928
"Think of all the times that someone--a parent, a friend, coworker, or even a Good Samaritan--extending a kindness to you that you didn't earn.
"If you approach others with the attitude that you will only give them as much they give to you, your relationship never will have a chance to grow beyond that point. But when someone makes a gesture based on grace--a gift or good deed that is unearned or undeserved---the relationship is deepened and enriched for both parties.
"A gift given in grace will delight the one who receives it, as well as the one who gives it. Grace is one of the deepest forms of communication in any relationship. It says you care about someone for who that person is, not just what he or she does for you." - Mark Sanborn in Fred 2.0
In a relationship both parties give grace at one time or another. Sometimes in a relationship we need to extend grace when none is ever given by the other person. We sometimes need to be that one that extends kindness they didn't deserve.
Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado. She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928
Sunday, May 19, 2013
Friendliness
“It’s easy to be friendly to nice people, but how do you deal with
angry customers? If you depend on the mood of the other person, you’ll
be limited in who you can connect with. The test of friendliness is the
ability to be pleasant to someone who is being unpleasant to you.
Instead of fighting fire with fire, try responding to negativity with
positivity. It may not change the other person, but it will keep him or
her from changing you.” – Mark Sanborn in Fred 2.0
This not only works for customers but for all relationships. Changing a negative encounter into a more positive one can be turned fairly quickly with a pleasant response.
Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado. She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928
This not only works for customers but for all relationships. Changing a negative encounter into a more positive one can be turned fairly quickly with a pleasant response.
Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado. She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
A loving couple bubble
“As experts on one another, they can detect when the other has an
itch, and they know exactly how to scratch it to provide relief. Often
it takes just a smile or a look or a grasp of the hand to calm each
other’s primitives and communicate the support that is needed. They get
their needs met in ways that would not be possible if each were alone;
they do this for each other because they can and because it makes them
more attractive–and even indispensible–to one another. Nor does anyone
outside their bubble do what they do for one another, and as such, their
world is a safer, more protective world than the one that exists
outside their bubble.” -Stan Tatkin, Psy.D. in Wired for Love
A loving couple bubble is work but it is worth the work. Like a child who is has parents who know what we need, so can an adult couple-ship can meet each other’s attachment needs with contentment and belonging to each other.
Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado. She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928
A loving couple bubble is work but it is worth the work. Like a child who is has parents who know what we need, so can an adult couple-ship can meet each other’s attachment needs with contentment and belonging to each other.
Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado. She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928
Friday, May 3, 2013
Love things or people
“Kilbourne demonstrates how ads encourage us to objectify each other
and to believe that our most significant relationships are with
products. As she says, ‘Ads turn lovers into things and things into
lovers.’
“Jean Kilbourne shows that the main message is that happiness comes from products. Advertisers exploit our very real human desires for connection, calmness, respect, and excitement. Every emotion is used to sell something. The cumulative effect of all these ads is to leave us romantic about objects and deeply cynical about humans, who are after all much more complicated than products. (‘Who says guys are afraid of commitment? He’s had the same backpack for years.’) Over and over, ads’ messages are that human relationships are fragile, difficult, and disappointing but products won’t let us down. (‘The ski instructor faded away three years ago, but the sweater didn’t.’) But, Kilbourne points out, ‘Products are the only things, and no matter how much we love them, they won’t love us back.
“Kilbourne writes that our being buried alive in what David Denby calls ‘an avalanche of junk.’ Twenty years ago, kids drank twice as much milk as soda. Thanks to ads, today the reverse is true.” – Mary Pipher in Can’t by My Love
We can’t exchange things for people to have a full life. Yes, relationships can interfere our perfect lives as we plan them, however life is meant for more than things.
Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado. She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928
“Jean Kilbourne shows that the main message is that happiness comes from products. Advertisers exploit our very real human desires for connection, calmness, respect, and excitement. Every emotion is used to sell something. The cumulative effect of all these ads is to leave us romantic about objects and deeply cynical about humans, who are after all much more complicated than products. (‘Who says guys are afraid of commitment? He’s had the same backpack for years.’) Over and over, ads’ messages are that human relationships are fragile, difficult, and disappointing but products won’t let us down. (‘The ski instructor faded away three years ago, but the sweater didn’t.’) But, Kilbourne points out, ‘Products are the only things, and no matter how much we love them, they won’t love us back.
“Kilbourne writes that our being buried alive in what David Denby calls ‘an avalanche of junk.’ Twenty years ago, kids drank twice as much milk as soda. Thanks to ads, today the reverse is true.” – Mary Pipher in Can’t by My Love
We can’t exchange things for people to have a full life. Yes, relationships can interfere our perfect lives as we plan them, however life is meant for more than things.
Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado. She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928
Monday, April 15, 2013
How to Frame Criticism
"Even 'constructive criticism' is usually received with defensiveness. That's why Denver psychologist Susan Heitler, author of From Conflict to Resolution, recommends feedback that 'skips the complaining and goes straight to the explaining.
..."For parents, the same approach applies to homework and chores. Choose encouraging statements over a stern grilling, Heitler advises, and say what you would prefer your child to do rather than what she has not done or has done incorrectly. ('I'd love to see your playroom cleaned up by this weekend so you and your friends can have fun downstairs,' instead of 'This place is a mess! What have you been doing? You haven't picked up one thing. No one is coming over this weekend until this room is spotless.')
"Criticism is the single most significant factor in a child's perception of the parental relationship. It's important to criticize without demeaning or humiliating." - Mary Loftus in March/April 2013 Psychology Today
Most of us cannot take 'constructive criticism' because it usually doesn't feel that is coming from someone who cares about us, just caring about what we do. It is important to learn to reframe our thinking not about shaming or humiliating for performance but to encourage.
Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado. She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928
..."For parents, the same approach applies to homework and chores. Choose encouraging statements over a stern grilling, Heitler advises, and say what you would prefer your child to do rather than what she has not done or has done incorrectly. ('I'd love to see your playroom cleaned up by this weekend so you and your friends can have fun downstairs,' instead of 'This place is a mess! What have you been doing? You haven't picked up one thing. No one is coming over this weekend until this room is spotless.')
"Criticism is the single most significant factor in a child's perception of the parental relationship. It's important to criticize without demeaning or humiliating." - Mary Loftus in March/April 2013 Psychology Today
Most of us cannot take 'constructive criticism' because it usually doesn't feel that is coming from someone who cares about us, just caring about what we do. It is important to learn to reframe our thinking not about shaming or humiliating for performance but to encourage.
Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado. She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928
Monday, April 8, 2013
Unapologetically You
"Supporting principles to guide you:
"1. Discover your partner. ... What relationship best describes your partner? And while you're at it, what style best describes you! As I mentioned before, please resist the temptation to use this typologyas ammunition against one another. Like any powerful tool, it can inflict damage if used improperly. So use it with compassion in your relationship.
"2. Be unapologetically you. Our task in committed relationships is not to change or become a different person. Quiet the contrary: our task is to be unapologetically ourselves. Home is not a place to feel chronically ashamed or to pretend we are someone we're not. Rather, we can be ourselves while retaining our sense of responsibility to others and to ourselves. And just as we unapologetically himself or herself. In this way, we offer each other unconditional acceptance.
"Of course, being unapologetically ourselves doesn't mean we are reckless or uncaring about how we treat others, or that we can use this as an excuse to be our worst selves. For example, if your partner is unfaithful or otherwise hurtful to you, he or she can't simply say, "Tough. This is who I am. Just accept it." No. This is a time when apology is definitely in order. In fact, whenever your partner voices hurt, you need to focus less on being unapologetically yourself and more on tending to your partner's needs and concerns. Remember the first guiding principle: creating a couple bubble allows partners to keep each other safe and secure. Your mandate is to be unapologetically yourself as long as you also keep your partner safe.
"3. Don't try to change your partner. You could say that we all change, and also that we never change. Both are true. And this is why acceptance is important. We can and do change our attitudes, our behaviors, and even our brains over time. However, the fundamental wiring that takes place during our earliest experiences stays with us from cradle to grave. Of course, we can change this wiring in phenomenal ways through corrective relationships. Sometime these changes transform all but the last remnants of our remembered fears and injuries. But this should not be the goal of a couple's relationship. No one changes from fundamentally insecure to fundamentally secure under conditions of fear, duress, disapproval, or threat of abandonment. I guarantee that will not happen. Only through acceptance, high regard, respect, devotion, support, and safety will anyone gradually grow more secure." -Stan Tatkin, Psy.D in Wired for Love
Being unapologetically you will help you and your relationship by knowing what you need and saying it. Discovering your partner and their hurts is important to your relationship. Accepting your partner for who they are will be hard and easy at the same time.
Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado. She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928
"1. Discover your partner. ... What relationship best describes your partner? And while you're at it, what style best describes you! As I mentioned before, please resist the temptation to use this typologyas ammunition against one another. Like any powerful tool, it can inflict damage if used improperly. So use it with compassion in your relationship.
"2. Be unapologetically you. Our task in committed relationships is not to change or become a different person. Quiet the contrary: our task is to be unapologetically ourselves. Home is not a place to feel chronically ashamed or to pretend we are someone we're not. Rather, we can be ourselves while retaining our sense of responsibility to others and to ourselves. And just as we unapologetically himself or herself. In this way, we offer each other unconditional acceptance.
"Of course, being unapologetically ourselves doesn't mean we are reckless or uncaring about how we treat others, or that we can use this as an excuse to be our worst selves. For example, if your partner is unfaithful or otherwise hurtful to you, he or she can't simply say, "Tough. This is who I am. Just accept it." No. This is a time when apology is definitely in order. In fact, whenever your partner voices hurt, you need to focus less on being unapologetically yourself and more on tending to your partner's needs and concerns. Remember the first guiding principle: creating a couple bubble allows partners to keep each other safe and secure. Your mandate is to be unapologetically yourself as long as you also keep your partner safe.
"3. Don't try to change your partner. You could say that we all change, and also that we never change. Both are true. And this is why acceptance is important. We can and do change our attitudes, our behaviors, and even our brains over time. However, the fundamental wiring that takes place during our earliest experiences stays with us from cradle to grave. Of course, we can change this wiring in phenomenal ways through corrective relationships. Sometime these changes transform all but the last remnants of our remembered fears and injuries. But this should not be the goal of a couple's relationship. No one changes from fundamentally insecure to fundamentally secure under conditions of fear, duress, disapproval, or threat of abandonment. I guarantee that will not happen. Only through acceptance, high regard, respect, devotion, support, and safety will anyone gradually grow more secure." -Stan Tatkin, Psy.D in Wired for Love
Being unapologetically you will help you and your relationship by knowing what you need and saying it. Discovering your partner and their hurts is important to your relationship. Accepting your partner for who they are will be hard and easy at the same time.
Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado. She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928
Saturday, April 6, 2013
Broken in Relationships and Healed in Relationships
"You and your partner should become familiar with each others' relationship styles.
"We get to know our partner fully in order to become competent as managers of our partners in the best way. Be competent managers, I mean partners who are experts on one another and know how to move, shift, motivate, influence, soothe, and inspire one another. In contrast, partners who are not expects on one another tend to create a mutual sense of threat and insecurity. they don't enjoy a couple bubble. These partners also tend to wish the other would change, listen to them, or do things the way they do, and ultimately believe they they coupled with the wrong person. Sadly, these partners merely recreate the insensitivity, injustice, and insecurity of their childhood, never really knowing what is withing their reach 'if only....'
"For many people, closeness brings both the promise of safety and security and a threat to safety and security. This raises the question, how do you get what and need from a relationship, while avoiding what you fear might happen? This quandary is similar to stealing honey without being stung by a bee. The degree to which we must work to gt the honey, while avoiding getting stung, in intimate relationships is the degree to which we feel fundamentally insecure. But here's the rule: if we feel insecure about close relationships, there is no way to become more secure without being in one. No book or audiotape, workshop, or religion can alter our sense of relationship security. In other words, as far as relationships go, we are hurt by people and yet we can be healed only by people."
"And that's the good news. It is entirely possible to become an anchor by spending time in a close, dependent, secure relationship with another person. That person can be a therapist, or it can be a primarily romantic partner who is an anchor or close to becoming one. Though the purpose of this book is not specifically to convert you or your partner into anchors, its principles will guide you toward a more secure relationship. Spend enough time in a secure relationship, and you'll become in anchor!" - Stan Tatkin, Psy. D. in Wired for Love
We are broken in relationships and we are healed in relationship. We need other relationships to heal our emotions and hearts.
Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado. She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928
"We get to know our partner fully in order to become competent as managers of our partners in the best way. Be competent managers, I mean partners who are experts on one another and know how to move, shift, motivate, influence, soothe, and inspire one another. In contrast, partners who are not expects on one another tend to create a mutual sense of threat and insecurity. they don't enjoy a couple bubble. These partners also tend to wish the other would change, listen to them, or do things the way they do, and ultimately believe they they coupled with the wrong person. Sadly, these partners merely recreate the insensitivity, injustice, and insecurity of their childhood, never really knowing what is withing their reach 'if only....'
"For many people, closeness brings both the promise of safety and security and a threat to safety and security. This raises the question, how do you get what and need from a relationship, while avoiding what you fear might happen? This quandary is similar to stealing honey without being stung by a bee. The degree to which we must work to gt the honey, while avoiding getting stung, in intimate relationships is the degree to which we feel fundamentally insecure. But here's the rule: if we feel insecure about close relationships, there is no way to become more secure without being in one. No book or audiotape, workshop, or religion can alter our sense of relationship security. In other words, as far as relationships go, we are hurt by people and yet we can be healed only by people."
"And that's the good news. It is entirely possible to become an anchor by spending time in a close, dependent, secure relationship with another person. That person can be a therapist, or it can be a primarily romantic partner who is an anchor or close to becoming one. Though the purpose of this book is not specifically to convert you or your partner into anchors, its principles will guide you toward a more secure relationship. Spend enough time in a secure relationship, and you'll become in anchor!" - Stan Tatkin, Psy. D. in Wired for Love
We are broken in relationships and we are healed in relationship. We need other relationships to heal our emotions and hearts.
Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado. She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928
Sunday, March 31, 2013
What Happens in Love Relationships
"During the initial phase of a relationship, partners may give clues
about their basic predilections with regard to physical proximity,
emotional intimacy, and concerns regarding safety and security. But it
is only when the relationship becomes permanent in either or both
partners' mind that these predilections really come to life.
"Much of what we do, we do automatically and without thinking. This is largely the work of our primitives. In relationships, one of the things partners typically are unaware of is how they physically move toward and away from each other. Our brain's reaction to physically move toward and away from each other. Our brain's reaction to physical proximity and duration of proximity is wired from early childhood, and influences such things as where we choose to stand or sit in relation to one another, how we adjust distance between us, how embrace, how we make love, and just about everything we do that involves physical movement and static physical space. because we operate largely on automatic pilot, we remain oblivious to this entire dimension of our interactions. Moreover, we handle physical proximity differently during courtship than in more committed phases of relationship. For example, many couples touch constantly while they're dating, but the frequency with which they touch drops off dramatically after they make a commitment. This can be very confusing, and can lead partners to wonder, "Do I even know who you are anymore?" - Stan Tatkin, Psy.D. in Wired for Love
The beginning of relationship we are aware of how we want to be together. When the relationship gets permanent then our old patterns become more prominent.
Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado. She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928
"Much of what we do, we do automatically and without thinking. This is largely the work of our primitives. In relationships, one of the things partners typically are unaware of is how they physically move toward and away from each other. Our brain's reaction to physically move toward and away from each other. Our brain's reaction to physical proximity and duration of proximity is wired from early childhood, and influences such things as where we choose to stand or sit in relation to one another, how we adjust distance between us, how embrace, how we make love, and just about everything we do that involves physical movement and static physical space. because we operate largely on automatic pilot, we remain oblivious to this entire dimension of our interactions. Moreover, we handle physical proximity differently during courtship than in more committed phases of relationship. For example, many couples touch constantly while they're dating, but the frequency with which they touch drops off dramatically after they make a commitment. This can be very confusing, and can lead partners to wonder, "Do I even know who you are anymore?" - Stan Tatkin, Psy.D. in Wired for Love
The beginning of relationship we are aware of how we want to be together. When the relationship gets permanent then our old patterns become more prominent.
Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado. She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928
Friday, March 29, 2013
Couple Therapy
"What I learned confirmed Bowlby's message that patterns of relating
created by attachment, separation, and loss during the first few years
of life become fixed and impact all future relationships. It also
confirmed that couples' narratives (i.e. their presenting problems) are
the logical products of the cortex playing catch-up with the emotional
part of the brain. The limbic system reacts almost instantaneously.
This understanding supports the view that couple therapy should
concentrate not on the espoused content of the partners' conflict but
rather on their underlying core dynamics.
"Dr Walter Bracelmanns, who was developing his own integration of couple therapy. I thank him for the support that he gave to the new idea that the focus of the work is the relationship, not the growth of the individual self of each partner." - Marion Solomon in Love and War in Intimate Relationships
Couple therapy theories vary greatly. So many different types of therapies for couples can be confusing. Marion Solomon's focus is the couple and getting the coupleship to work.
Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado. She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928
"Dr Walter Bracelmanns, who was developing his own integration of couple therapy. I thank him for the support that he gave to the new idea that the focus of the work is the relationship, not the growth of the individual self of each partner." - Marion Solomon in Love and War in Intimate Relationships
Couple therapy theories vary greatly. So many different types of therapies for couples can be confusing. Marion Solomon's focus is the couple and getting the coupleship to work.
Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado. She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928
Adult Attachment
"We now understand the role of secure attachments in the promotion of
mature development, self-confidence, and autonomy (Feeney, 2007), the
origin and the impact of insecure attachment orientations, and the
importance of both to intimate partnerships. And we now know that the
lack of secure attachment bonds early in life does not condemn one to a
lifetime of unhappy relationships (Byng-Hall 1999); it is possible to
earn security over time via new, reparative relationships (Main, 2003).
..."The psychobiological model, developed by Stan Tatkin, is rooted in the perception introduced by Marion Solomon 15 years ago (Lean on Me: The Power of Positive Dependence in Intimate Relationships) that each partner in an adult primary attachment relationship must learn to be the other's secure base (Solomon, 1984, 1994).
..."insecure attachment patterns evident even in the glow of new relationship can turn love into war. Key moments of emotional connection spark negative cycles that can take over the partners' behavior and communication." - Marion Soloman and Stan Tatkin in Love and War in Intimate Relationships
There is hope for couples that are seemingly always at war and for those who have had rough relationships. This is not an easy process. Becoming a secure base for each other takes concerted effort.
Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado. She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928
..."The psychobiological model, developed by Stan Tatkin, is rooted in the perception introduced by Marion Solomon 15 years ago (Lean on Me: The Power of Positive Dependence in Intimate Relationships) that each partner in an adult primary attachment relationship must learn to be the other's secure base (Solomon, 1984, 1994).
..."insecure attachment patterns evident even in the glow of new relationship can turn love into war. Key moments of emotional connection spark negative cycles that can take over the partners' behavior and communication." - Marion Soloman and Stan Tatkin in Love and War in Intimate Relationships
There is hope for couples that are seemingly always at war and for those who have had rough relationships. This is not an easy process. Becoming a secure base for each other takes concerted effort.
Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado. She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928
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