“As experts on one another, they can detect when the other has an
itch, and they know exactly how to scratch it to provide relief. Often
it takes just a smile or a look or a grasp of the hand to calm each
other’s primitives and communicate the support that is needed. They get
their needs met in ways that would not be possible if each were alone;
they do this for each other because they can and because it makes them
more attractive–and even indispensible–to one another. Nor does anyone
outside their bubble do what they do for one another, and as such, their
world is a safer, more protective world than the one that exists
outside their bubble.” -Stan Tatkin, Psy.D. in Wired for Love
A loving couple bubble is work but it is worth the work. Like a
child who is has parents who know what we need, so can an adult
couple-ship can meet each other’s attachment needs with contentment and
belonging to each other.
Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado. She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928
Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
Monday, April 22, 2013
Be Your Partner's Regulator
"How many people actually know how to spontaneously make their
partner feel happy and loved? I'm talking here about a phrase, a deed
or an expression aimed at one's partner meant specifically to uplift him
or her. I have seen partners married for thirty years who appear
dumbfounded when challenged to brighten, move charm, or otherwise enamor
one another. Yet this ability to spontaneously and predictably shift or
elevate your partner's mood or emotional state is a crucial aspect of
being an expert on your partner.
"In my work with couples, I have found most people don't want their partner to change, not really. They fundamentally appreciate their partners as they are. But what people do want is to know how to influence, motivate, and otherwise have a positive effect on their partner. They want to avoid pushing the other's buttons. But that is not enough. They also want to know the antidotes to apply when things go awry. They want to be privy to when and where their partner has an itch, so they can scratch it for him or her.
"In this way, couples seek to become competent managers of each other. In fact, their competence as partners is not unlike the competence of parents, who want to soothe their child's painful feelings and cultivate positive ones. It also can be compared to the role of a regulator. Partners who are competent managers are able to help regulate each other's moods and energy levels. As regulators, each continually monitors the other and know when to jump in and throw a switch to help restore balance in the direction of those things that make the partner feel good." - Stan Tatkin, Psy.D. in Wired for Love
This idea of regulator of partners mood may sound unhealthy. This, however, is not losing yourself in the relationship. I like the similarity to parents soothing their child when having painful feelings.
Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado. She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928
"In my work with couples, I have found most people don't want their partner to change, not really. They fundamentally appreciate their partners as they are. But what people do want is to know how to influence, motivate, and otherwise have a positive effect on their partner. They want to avoid pushing the other's buttons. But that is not enough. They also want to know the antidotes to apply when things go awry. They want to be privy to when and where their partner has an itch, so they can scratch it for him or her.
"In this way, couples seek to become competent managers of each other. In fact, their competence as partners is not unlike the competence of parents, who want to soothe their child's painful feelings and cultivate positive ones. It also can be compared to the role of a regulator. Partners who are competent managers are able to help regulate each other's moods and energy levels. As regulators, each continually monitors the other and know when to jump in and throw a switch to help restore balance in the direction of those things that make the partner feel good." - Stan Tatkin, Psy.D. in Wired for Love
This idea of regulator of partners mood may sound unhealthy. This, however, is not losing yourself in the relationship. I like the similarity to parents soothing their child when having painful feelings.
Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado. She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928
Saturday, April 20, 2013
How Vulnerable is Your Partner?
"It is important for you to know your own vulnerabilities, and it is
even more important to know your partner's. Knowing your partner's
three or four bad things takes the guesswork out of what distresses him
or her. Not knowing these three or four things can weaken the
relationship and make it a dangerous place for both of you.
"... 1. Sit down and think about the issues that deeply affect your partner. You probably didn't know him or her during childhood, but what has your partner shared with you about that phase of life?
"2. Recall specific incidents in your relationship during which you partner became distressed. In each case, what was the issue that made him or her feel vulnerable.
"3. Jot down all the incidents and issues come to mind. Don't censor yourself.
"4. When you've completed your list, go back over it and look for commonalities. See if you can narrow the list down to three or four main areas of vulnerability.
"5. As a final step, you may wish to check with your partner. Find out what your partner sees as the three or four things that make him or her feel bad. Watch your partner's face and listen to his or her voice for signs that these things are in fact a big deal." - Stan Tatkin, Psy.D. in Wired for Love
It is important to know your partner's sensitivities and vulnerabilities to grow emotional intimacy. We know how to push their buttons to set them off to hurt them, we also need to learn how to protect them too.
Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado. She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928
"... 1. Sit down and think about the issues that deeply affect your partner. You probably didn't know him or her during childhood, but what has your partner shared with you about that phase of life?
"2. Recall specific incidents in your relationship during which you partner became distressed. In each case, what was the issue that made him or her feel vulnerable.
"3. Jot down all the incidents and issues come to mind. Don't censor yourself.
"4. When you've completed your list, go back over it and look for commonalities. See if you can narrow the list down to three or four main areas of vulnerability.
"5. As a final step, you may wish to check with your partner. Find out what your partner sees as the three or four things that make him or her feel bad. Watch your partner's face and listen to his or her voice for signs that these things are in fact a big deal." - Stan Tatkin, Psy.D. in Wired for Love
It is important to know your partner's sensitivities and vulnerabilities to grow emotional intimacy. We know how to push their buttons to set them off to hurt them, we also need to learn how to protect them too.
Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado. She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928
Thursday, April 11, 2013
Role of Partner
"The role of a primary partner is a big one: it entails taking good
care of another human pain in the rear. And the only way for this to
work is for it to be fully mutual. Both partners need to become experts
on one another. With this kind of arrangement, nobody really loses and
everybody truly wins. You can think of it as a kind of pay-to-play
version of romance, and it is, make not mistake, an investment in your
future." - Stan Tatkin, Psy.D. in Wired for Love
Understanding your partner is necessary for good romantic relationship. Relationship should not just be "consensual," a political correct term, but really the relationship needs to be taking care of one another's heartaches, fears and pains. We need to know how to take care of our partner in their hard
times not just in the good and visa versa, they need to the same for us.
Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado. She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928
Understanding your partner is necessary for good romantic relationship. Relationship should not just be "consensual," a political correct term, but really the relationship needs to be taking care of one another's heartaches, fears and pains. We need to know how to take care of our partner in their hard
times not just in the good and visa versa, they need to the same for us.
Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado. She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
Relationship Vow
"When I see partners in a successfully maintained couple bubble, one
standout feature is their ability to care for, influence, and manage one
another, much the way expert parents do with their children. Both
partners seem to have read and carefully studied the owner's manual for
the relationship and for each other. Each is familiar with operational
details that no one outside of the bubble is likely to know.
"For instance, these partners know what has the most power to push the other's buttons. When the other is feeling bad, they immediately sense why. Not only that, they know how to remedy the situation. They know the right words to say, or deeds to perform, that have the power to elevate, relieve, excite, soothe, or heal each other. From a neuroscience perspective, these partners possess strong orbitofrontal cortices; well-balanced left and right brains; well-developed smart vagal systems; well-regulated breath and vocal control; and honed communication skills that keep love close and war at a far distance.
"How did they get to be so adept? Are such people perhaps in possession of a perfect partner chromosome? Trust me, no. Do they have some kind of secret superpower that allows them to manage their partner emotionally? Well maybe. ...some of us got a better start in life than did others, with a lots of positive interactions with safe adults who were interested in and curious about us. We all come to the table with primitives that don't want us to be harmed, and ambassadors that at times can be annoying. Truth is, we can be, all of us, pains in the rear. When we recite our relationship vows, perhaps we should say, "I take you as my pain in the rear, with all your history and baggage, and I take responsibility for all prior injustices you endured at the hands of those I never knew, because you now are in my care." - Stan Tatkin, Psy.D. in Wired for Love
Would you be willing to take that vow? That is commitment. As parents we are to take that vow. Can we do it for our main relationship? Secure partners do this for one another. It is not easy when our partner has a lot of baggage. And what I see in my counseling office is that when one partner has a lot of baggage then the other one does too. This is a difficult situation that needs a third party sometimes to help.
Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado. She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928
"For instance, these partners know what has the most power to push the other's buttons. When the other is feeling bad, they immediately sense why. Not only that, they know how to remedy the situation. They know the right words to say, or deeds to perform, that have the power to elevate, relieve, excite, soothe, or heal each other. From a neuroscience perspective, these partners possess strong orbitofrontal cortices; well-balanced left and right brains; well-developed smart vagal systems; well-regulated breath and vocal control; and honed communication skills that keep love close and war at a far distance.
"How did they get to be so adept? Are such people perhaps in possession of a perfect partner chromosome? Trust me, no. Do they have some kind of secret superpower that allows them to manage their partner emotionally? Well maybe. ...some of us got a better start in life than did others, with a lots of positive interactions with safe adults who were interested in and curious about us. We all come to the table with primitives that don't want us to be harmed, and ambassadors that at times can be annoying. Truth is, we can be, all of us, pains in the rear. When we recite our relationship vows, perhaps we should say, "I take you as my pain in the rear, with all your history and baggage, and I take responsibility for all prior injustices you endured at the hands of those I never knew, because you now are in my care." - Stan Tatkin, Psy.D. in Wired for Love
Would you be willing to take that vow? That is commitment. As parents we are to take that vow. Can we do it for our main relationship? Secure partners do this for one another. It is not easy when our partner has a lot of baggage. And what I see in my counseling office is that when one partner has a lot of baggage then the other one does too. This is a difficult situation that needs a third party sometimes to help.
Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado. She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
Safe and Nurturing Relationship
“When I see partners in a successfully maintained couple bubble, one
standout feature is their ability to care for, influence, and manage one
another, much the way expert parents do with their children. Both
partners seem to have read and carefully studied the owner’s manual for
their relationship and for each other. Each is familiar with
operational details that no one outside of the bubble is likely to know.
“For instance, these partners know what has the most power to push the other’s buttons. When the other is feeling bad, they immediately sense why. Not only that, they know how to remedy the situation. They know the right words to say, or deeds to perform, that have the power to elevate, relieve, excite, sooth, or heal each other. From a neuroscience perspective, these partners possess strong orbitofrontal cortices; well balanced left and right brains; well-developed smart vagal sytems; well-regulated breath and vocal control; and honed communication skills that keep love close and war at a far distance.” – Stan Tatkin, Psy.D. in Wired for Love
To be in a safe, nurturing relationship. Is that what we want? The majority of us do want that. Can we be that for another person? It takes both giving and getting.
Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado. She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928
“For instance, these partners know what has the most power to push the other’s buttons. When the other is feeling bad, they immediately sense why. Not only that, they know how to remedy the situation. They know the right words to say, or deeds to perform, that have the power to elevate, relieve, excite, sooth, or heal each other. From a neuroscience perspective, these partners possess strong orbitofrontal cortices; well balanced left and right brains; well-developed smart vagal sytems; well-regulated breath and vocal control; and honed communication skills that keep love close and war at a far distance.” – Stan Tatkin, Psy.D. in Wired for Love
To be in a safe, nurturing relationship. Is that what we want? The majority of us do want that. Can we be that for another person? It takes both giving and getting.
Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado. She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928
Monday, April 8, 2013
Unapologetically You
"Supporting principles to guide you:
"1. Discover your partner. ... What relationship best describes your partner? And while you're at it, what style best describes you! As I mentioned before, please resist the temptation to use this typologyas ammunition against one another. Like any powerful tool, it can inflict damage if used improperly. So use it with compassion in your relationship.
"2. Be unapologetically you. Our task in committed relationships is not to change or become a different person. Quiet the contrary: our task is to be unapologetically ourselves. Home is not a place to feel chronically ashamed or to pretend we are someone we're not. Rather, we can be ourselves while retaining our sense of responsibility to others and to ourselves. And just as we unapologetically himself or herself. In this way, we offer each other unconditional acceptance.
"Of course, being unapologetically ourselves doesn't mean we are reckless or uncaring about how we treat others, or that we can use this as an excuse to be our worst selves. For example, if your partner is unfaithful or otherwise hurtful to you, he or she can't simply say, "Tough. This is who I am. Just accept it." No. This is a time when apology is definitely in order. In fact, whenever your partner voices hurt, you need to focus less on being unapologetically yourself and more on tending to your partner's needs and concerns. Remember the first guiding principle: creating a couple bubble allows partners to keep each other safe and secure. Your mandate is to be unapologetically yourself as long as you also keep your partner safe.
"3. Don't try to change your partner. You could say that we all change, and also that we never change. Both are true. And this is why acceptance is important. We can and do change our attitudes, our behaviors, and even our brains over time. However, the fundamental wiring that takes place during our earliest experiences stays with us from cradle to grave. Of course, we can change this wiring in phenomenal ways through corrective relationships. Sometime these changes transform all but the last remnants of our remembered fears and injuries. But this should not be the goal of a couple's relationship. No one changes from fundamentally insecure to fundamentally secure under conditions of fear, duress, disapproval, or threat of abandonment. I guarantee that will not happen. Only through acceptance, high regard, respect, devotion, support, and safety will anyone gradually grow more secure." -Stan Tatkin, Psy.D in Wired for Love
Being unapologetically you will help you and your relationship by knowing what you need and saying it. Discovering your partner and their hurts is important to your relationship. Accepting your partner for who they are will be hard and easy at the same time.
Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado. She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928
"1. Discover your partner. ... What relationship best describes your partner? And while you're at it, what style best describes you! As I mentioned before, please resist the temptation to use this typologyas ammunition against one another. Like any powerful tool, it can inflict damage if used improperly. So use it with compassion in your relationship.
"2. Be unapologetically you. Our task in committed relationships is not to change or become a different person. Quiet the contrary: our task is to be unapologetically ourselves. Home is not a place to feel chronically ashamed or to pretend we are someone we're not. Rather, we can be ourselves while retaining our sense of responsibility to others and to ourselves. And just as we unapologetically himself or herself. In this way, we offer each other unconditional acceptance.
"Of course, being unapologetically ourselves doesn't mean we are reckless or uncaring about how we treat others, or that we can use this as an excuse to be our worst selves. For example, if your partner is unfaithful or otherwise hurtful to you, he or she can't simply say, "Tough. This is who I am. Just accept it." No. This is a time when apology is definitely in order. In fact, whenever your partner voices hurt, you need to focus less on being unapologetically yourself and more on tending to your partner's needs and concerns. Remember the first guiding principle: creating a couple bubble allows partners to keep each other safe and secure. Your mandate is to be unapologetically yourself as long as you also keep your partner safe.
"3. Don't try to change your partner. You could say that we all change, and also that we never change. Both are true. And this is why acceptance is important. We can and do change our attitudes, our behaviors, and even our brains over time. However, the fundamental wiring that takes place during our earliest experiences stays with us from cradle to grave. Of course, we can change this wiring in phenomenal ways through corrective relationships. Sometime these changes transform all but the last remnants of our remembered fears and injuries. But this should not be the goal of a couple's relationship. No one changes from fundamentally insecure to fundamentally secure under conditions of fear, duress, disapproval, or threat of abandonment. I guarantee that will not happen. Only through acceptance, high regard, respect, devotion, support, and safety will anyone gradually grow more secure." -Stan Tatkin, Psy.D in Wired for Love
Being unapologetically you will help you and your relationship by knowing what you need and saying it. Discovering your partner and their hurts is important to your relationship. Accepting your partner for who they are will be hard and easy at the same time.
Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado. She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928
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