"As an expert on your partner, you need to be familiar with the three
or four things that make him or her feel bad. But, as the saying goes,
"Physician, heal thyself." In other words, before attempting to
identify you partner's vulnerabilities, it makes sense to have a handle
on your own.
"So take a minute now and think about this.
"1.
Sit down where you can have some private time, and think about the
issues that have deeply affected you. From as early as you can
remember, on the way to this point in time, what things still dog you
today?
"2. It may help to recall specific
incidents. For example, this could be an argument with your partner in
which you become very angry, or a time you felt depressed, lonely, or
rejected. In each incident, what was the issue that led you to feel
vulnerable.
"3. Take a pen and paper (or
your tablet PC) and jot down all the incidents and issues that come to
mind. Don't censor yourself.
"4. When
you've completed your list, go back over it and look for commonalities.
For example, suppose you recalled arguing with your partner after he or
she leaked something private about the two of you to another couple,
and you also recalled being mad as a teenager when you mother said
things at the dinner you shared privately with her. Looking at both of
these new, you see the common issue was feeling betrayed. See if you
can narrow your list down and three or four main vulnerabilities.
"5.
Focusing on your vulnerabilities might not be the most enjoyable of
exercises. When you finish, do something nice for yourself (and your
partner)!
- Stan Tatkin, Psy.D. in Wired for Love
Knowing
your vulnerabilities so you don't harp on your partners issues as
much. Sometimes we need professional help to help work through our
traumas and issues. Don't get stuck in the past, get help and healing.
Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado. She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928
Showing posts with label healing. Show all posts
Showing posts with label healing. Show all posts
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
Saturday, April 6, 2013
Broken in Relationships and Healed in Relationships
"You and your partner should become familiar with each others' relationship styles.
"We get to know our partner fully in order to become competent as managers of our partners in the best way. Be competent managers, I mean partners who are experts on one another and know how to move, shift, motivate, influence, soothe, and inspire one another. In contrast, partners who are not expects on one another tend to create a mutual sense of threat and insecurity. they don't enjoy a couple bubble. These partners also tend to wish the other would change, listen to them, or do things the way they do, and ultimately believe they they coupled with the wrong person. Sadly, these partners merely recreate the insensitivity, injustice, and insecurity of their childhood, never really knowing what is withing their reach 'if only....'
"For many people, closeness brings both the promise of safety and security and a threat to safety and security. This raises the question, how do you get what and need from a relationship, while avoiding what you fear might happen? This quandary is similar to stealing honey without being stung by a bee. The degree to which we must work to gt the honey, while avoiding getting stung, in intimate relationships is the degree to which we feel fundamentally insecure. But here's the rule: if we feel insecure about close relationships, there is no way to become more secure without being in one. No book or audiotape, workshop, or religion can alter our sense of relationship security. In other words, as far as relationships go, we are hurt by people and yet we can be healed only by people."
"And that's the good news. It is entirely possible to become an anchor by spending time in a close, dependent, secure relationship with another person. That person can be a therapist, or it can be a primarily romantic partner who is an anchor or close to becoming one. Though the purpose of this book is not specifically to convert you or your partner into anchors, its principles will guide you toward a more secure relationship. Spend enough time in a secure relationship, and you'll become in anchor!" - Stan Tatkin, Psy. D. in Wired for Love
We are broken in relationships and we are healed in relationship. We need other relationships to heal our emotions and hearts.
Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado. She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928
"We get to know our partner fully in order to become competent as managers of our partners in the best way. Be competent managers, I mean partners who are experts on one another and know how to move, shift, motivate, influence, soothe, and inspire one another. In contrast, partners who are not expects on one another tend to create a mutual sense of threat and insecurity. they don't enjoy a couple bubble. These partners also tend to wish the other would change, listen to them, or do things the way they do, and ultimately believe they they coupled with the wrong person. Sadly, these partners merely recreate the insensitivity, injustice, and insecurity of their childhood, never really knowing what is withing their reach 'if only....'
"For many people, closeness brings both the promise of safety and security and a threat to safety and security. This raises the question, how do you get what and need from a relationship, while avoiding what you fear might happen? This quandary is similar to stealing honey without being stung by a bee. The degree to which we must work to gt the honey, while avoiding getting stung, in intimate relationships is the degree to which we feel fundamentally insecure. But here's the rule: if we feel insecure about close relationships, there is no way to become more secure without being in one. No book or audiotape, workshop, or religion can alter our sense of relationship security. In other words, as far as relationships go, we are hurt by people and yet we can be healed only by people."
"And that's the good news. It is entirely possible to become an anchor by spending time in a close, dependent, secure relationship with another person. That person can be a therapist, or it can be a primarily romantic partner who is an anchor or close to becoming one. Though the purpose of this book is not specifically to convert you or your partner into anchors, its principles will guide you toward a more secure relationship. Spend enough time in a secure relationship, and you'll become in anchor!" - Stan Tatkin, Psy. D. in Wired for Love
We are broken in relationships and we are healed in relationship. We need other relationships to heal our emotions and hearts.
Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado. She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928
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