Social Wiring

"As I've stated, our social wiring is set at an early age.  Whether we grow up feeling basically secure or basically insecure to determined by how our parents or caregivers relate to us and to the world.  Parents who put a high value on relationship tend to do more to protect their loved ones than do parents who value other things more.  They tend to spend more face-to-face and skin-to-skin time with their child; be more curious about and interested in their child's mind; be more focused, attentive, and attuned to their child's needs; and generally be more motivated to quickly correct errors or injuries, because they want to restore the goodness of the relationship.  In these ways, they create a secure environment for the child.
"The dynamics of this early relationship leave their mark at a physiological level.  Neuroscientists have observed that children who receive lots of positive attention from adults then to develop more neural networks than do children deprived of social interaction with adult brains.  The primitives and ambassadors of secure children ten to be well integrated, and so these children generally are able to handle their emotions and impulses.  Their amygdalae aren't overcharged and their hypothalamus conducts normal operations and feedback communication with the pituitary and adrenal glands, the other cogs in the threat and stress wheel, turning that system on and off when appropriate.  Their dumb vagus and smart vagus are well balanced.
"Because of good relationships early in life, secure children tend to have a well-developed right brain and insula, so they are adept at reading faces, voices, emotions, and body sensations, and at getting the overall gist of things.  In particular, their orbitofrontal cortex is well developed, with neural connections that provide feedback to their other ambassadors and their primitives.  Compared with insecure children, they tend to have more empathy, better moral judgment, grater control over impulses, and more consistent management of frustration.  In general, secure children are more resilient to the slings and arrows of social-emotional stress and do far better in social situation.
"A secure relationship is characterized by playfulness, interaction, flexibility, and sensitivity.  Good feelings predominate because any bad feelings are quickly soothed.  It's a great place to be!  It's a place where we can expect fun and excitement and novelty, but also relief and comfort and shelter.  When we experience this kind of secure foundation as a child, we carry it forth into adulthood....
"However, not all of us had relationships in early childhood that felt secure.  Perhaps we had several rotating caregivers, without one who was consistently available or dependable.  Or perhaps we had one or more caregivers who primarily valued something else more than relationship, such as self-preservation, beauty, youth, performance, intelligence, talent, money or reputation.  Maybe one or more caregivers emphasized loyalty, privacy, independence, and self-sufficiency over relationship fidelity.  Almost anything can supplant the value of relationship, and often when this occurs, it is not by choice.  A caregiver's mental or physical illness, unresolved trauma or loss, immaturity, and the like can interfere with a child's sense of security.  If this happens to us, then as adults we come to relationships with an underlying insecurity.  That can lead us to keep to ourselves as an island in the ocean of humanity.  Or it can lead to ambivalence about connecting with others, in which case we become more like a wave." - Stan Tatkin, Psy.D. in Wired for Love

It is so important that as parents and caregivers we connect with our children.  Addictions of all kinds are just one of the things that can interfere with the emotional care that children need.

Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado.  She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928