Be Your Partner's Regulator

"How many people actually know how to spontaneously make their partner feel happy and loved?  I'm talking here about a phrase, a deed or an expression aimed at one's partner meant specifically to uplift him or her.  I have seen partners married for thirty years who appear dumbfounded when challenged to brighten, move charm, or otherwise enamor one another. Yet this ability to spontaneously and predictably shift or elevate your partner's mood or emotional state is a crucial aspect of being an expert on your partner.

"In my work with couples, I have found most people don't want their partner to change, not really.  They fundamentally appreciate their partners as they are.  But what people do want is to know how to influence, motivate, and otherwise have a positive effect on their partner.  They want to avoid pushing the other's buttons.  But that is not enough.  They also want to know the antidotes to apply when things go awry.  They want to be privy to when and where their partner has an itch, so they can scratch it for him or her.

"In this way, couples seek to become competent managers of each other.  In fact, their competence as partners is not unlike the competence of parents, who want to soothe their child's painful feelings and cultivate positive ones.  It also can be compared to the role of a regulator.  Partners who are competent managers are able to help regulate each other's moods and energy levels. As regulators, each continually monitors the other and know when to jump in and throw a switch to help restore balance in the direction of those things that make the partner feel good." - Stan Tatkin, Psy.D. in Wired for Love

This idea of regulator of partners mood may sound unhealthy.  This, however, is not losing yourself in the relationship.  I like the similarity to parents soothing their child when having painful feelings.


Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado.  She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928