Power of Vulnerability

Power of Vulnerability by Brene Brown

https://youtu.be/iCvmsMzlF7o

Renee Madison is a counselor in Colorado with offices in Westminster (Denver area) and Loveland (Northern Colorado).  She can be reached by phone 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928.

Speak negatively or positively to self?

"Here is the key: you've got to send your words out in the direction you want your life to go.  You cannot talk defeat and expect to have victory.  You can't talk lack and expect to have abundance.  You will produce what you say.  If you want to know what you will be like five years from now, just listen to what you are saying about yourself.  With our words can we either bless our futures or we can curse our futures.  That's why we should never say, 'I'm not a good parent.  I'm unattractive.  I'm clumsy.  I can't do anything right.  I'll probably get laid off.'

"No, those thoughts may come to your mind, but don't make the mistake of verbalizing them.  The moment you speak them out, you allow them to take root.  There have been plenty of times where I've thought something negative and I'm just about to say it, but I'll catch myself and think.  No.  I'll zip it up.  I'm not speaking defeat into my future.  I'm not speaking failure over my life.  I will turn it around and speak favor into my future.  I will declare, 'I'm blessed.  I'm strong.  I'm healthy.  This will be a great yer.' When you do that, you are blessing your future." - Joel Osteen by I declare, 31 Promises to Speak Over Your Life

Speaking negative increases the outlook of a negative day and future.  We have to train ourselves to look and speak positive.

Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a licensed counselor in Colorado.  She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928

To save a life - movie

A very thought provoking movie:

To save a life

http://youtu.be/1o56pazEh-Q

Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a licensed counselor in Colorado.  She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928

Last Ounce of Courage - movie

Last Ounce of Courage - movie

I found this to be a very touching illustration of patriotism and family.

http://youtu.be/askgwNOjkeI

Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a licensed counselor in Colorado.  She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928

Porn can change your brain

People who use porn wonder, "'How... can something that isn't a drug, isn't an extra-marital affair, isn't actually sex with someone else, cause such devastating problems as divorce, getting fired, and not being able to get sexually aroused by a real live partner.'

"The truth is, using pornography can make you go blind-- blind to the power and control it can eventually have over your life.  Though we might stare intensely at it, we don't see, often can't see see, how and why it is so powerful.  Did you know that porn can actually rewire your brain?  That's one reason why some people who use porn become preoccupied with sex, develop problematic sexual desires, and experience sexual functioning problems.  And if your brain has been changed, it can be difficult to see clearly exactly what is happening and how it's affecting your life.

"Porn is an extremely alluring and compelling 'product,' capable of delivering sexual pleasure while at the same time setting one up for the great pain.  Porn is like other controlled substances, such as alcohol and cigarettes, that promise good times, sometimes deliver them, but can end up causing much more damage than pleasure.  And unlike booze and tobacco, no one warns us of the potential side effects." - Wendy Maltz, LCSW, DST and Larry Maltz, LCSW in The Porn Trap

Porn can change your brain.  Porn can become an addiction to the user.  I work with addicts, spouses and their families everyday whose lives are being severely affected by pornography.   Devastated, in fact, nearly in every area of their lives are having side effects.

Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a licensed counselor in Colorado.  She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928

Whose on the Autism Spectrum Disorder List?

"What do music composers Amadeus Mozart and Ludwig Van Beethoven, Artists Michelango and Vincent Van Gogh, Physicists Sir Isaac Newton and Albert Einstein, Renaissance Polymath Leonardo Da Vinci, President Thomas Jefferson, and Microsoft Founder Bill Gates have in common?  All are known or suspected of fitting somewhere on the autism spectrum. As a "spectrum" disorder, autism represents a wide array of symptoms--from mid to severe--that affect individuals differently, however a common core of indicators influence the neurological development of social skills, empathy, communication, and flexible behavior.  This developmental disability also crosses every racial, ethnic and socioeconomic group." - Eric Scalise and Stephanie Holmes in Christian Counseling Today, Vol. 20, No. 2

This is an amazing list of people that have a disorder that parents fear.  Yes it is a challenging diagnosis but as this list shows, all is not lost.

Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado.  She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928

Movement is vital for children

Children love movement.  Regular movement activities not only help children stay healthy, also it enhances their learning abilities and sets a solid foundation upon which more complex movement skills are established.

Adult used to deal with obesity but it is now prevalent in the school age and preschool populations and is increasing at alarming rates.  Regular movement helps children decrease the chances of becoming obese and thereby avoid disease like  heart disease and Type II Diabetes.  Movement and exercise also helps them teaches them a lifestyle to stay healthy well into adulthood.

Movement is necessary to learning.  Children use movement to learn about and explore their environments and the properties of objects.  They stimulate most areas of the brain, especially the center responsible for maintaining focus and paying attention when they move.  It is in movement that their brains release neurotransmitters that enhance short-term memory.

In addition to health and learning, movement is necessary for learning new motor skills.  Through repetition a child's nervous system is changed every time they do movement activities.  Movement stimulates the nerves in the nervous system such a way that nervous impulses pass along the nerves with increasing speeds and efficiency.  The repetition allows the movements to be more automatic and the movements are further perfected with each repetition.

Movement is important to the health, education and development of children.  So, help your children to affect their future in a big way and get them moving!

Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a licensed counselor in Colorado.  She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928.

Financial stress may hit your brain and wallet

A thoughtful article on financial stress in the Reporter-Herald:

"Being short on cash may make you a bit slower in the brain, a new study suggests.

"People worrying about having enough money to pay their bills tend to lose temporarily the equivalent of 13 IQ points, scientists found that when they gave intelligence tests to shoppers at a New Jersey mall and farmers in India.

"The idea is that financial stress monopolizes thinking, making other calculations slower and more difficult, sort of like the effects of going without sleep for a night.

"And this money-and-brain crunch applies, albeit to a smaller degree to about 100 million Americans who face financial squeezes, say the team of economists and psychologists who wrote the study published in Friday's issue of the journal Science.

"Our paper isn't about poverty.  It's about people struggling to make ends meet," said Sendhil Mullainathan, a Harvard economist and study co-author.  'When we think about people who are financially stressed, we think they are short on money, but the truth is they are also short on cognitive capacity.'

"If you are always thinking about overdue bills, a mortgage or rent, or college loans, it takes away from your focus on other things.  So being late on loans could end up costing you both interest points and IQ points, Mullainathan said.

"The study used tests that studies various aspects of thinking including a traditional IQ test, getting the 13 IQ point drop, said study co-author Jiaying Zhao, a professor of psychology and sustainability at the University of British Columbia.

"The scientists looked at the effects of finances on the brain in the lab and in the field.  In controlled lab-like conditions, they had about 400 shoppers at Quaker Bridge Mall in central New Jersey consider certain financial scenarios and tested their brain power.  Then they looked at real life in the fields of India, where farmers get paid only once a year.  Before the harvest, they take out loans and pawn goods.  After they sell their harvest, they are flush with cash.

Mullainthan and colleagues tested the same 464 farmers before the harvest, and their IQ scores improved by 25 percent when their wallets fattened.

"'It's a very powerful effect,' said study co-author Eldar Shafir, a Princeton University psychology professor.  'When you are dealing with budgetary finances, it does intrude on your thinking.  It's at the top of your mind.'
"in the New Jersey part of the study, the scientists tested about 400 shoppers, presenting them with scenarios that involved a large and small car repair bill.  Those with family income of about $20,000 scored about the same as those with $70,000 incomes on IQ tests when the car bill was small.  But with the poorer people had to think about facing a whopping repair bill, their IQ scores were 40 percent lower.

"Education differences can't be a major factor because the poor scored worse only when they were faced with big bills, Safir said.  The more educated rich may have learned to divide their attention, but that wouldn't be a significant factor, he said.

"The study's authors and others say the results contradict long-standing conservative economic social and political theory that say it is Individuals -- not circumstances -- that are the primary problem with poverty.  In the case of India, it was the same people before and after, so it can't be the person's fault.

"'For a long time, we've been blaming the poor for their own failings,' Zhao said.  'We're arguing something very different.'

"Poverty researcher Kathryn Edin of Harvard, who wasn't part of the study said the research 'is a big deal that solves a critical puzzle in poverty research.'

"She said poor people often have the same mainstream values about marriage and two-parent families as everyone else, but they don't seem to act that way.  This shows that it's not their values but the situation that impairs their decision-making, she said."  - Seth Borenstein


Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado.  She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928.

Debt can hurt your health

I love this article I found in my Sunday Reporter-Herald:

"As of August 2013, the average American's credit card debt totaled $15,263; mortgage debt averaged $147,591; and student loan debt hit $31,646.   And many households have all three!  No wonder you report that you're more stressed than you were 10 years ago.  Twenty percent of you now say you live with extreme stress daily, and we think the real number is even higher than that.

"It's not news that financial woes fuel tension, sleepless nights, relationship problems and depression.  But a new report reveals that debt is also linked with higher diastolic blood pressure --- that's the second number in a blood pressure reading that tells you the pressure level BETWEEN beats.  We say you should aim for 115/75.

"High diastolic pressure signals high-blood pressure problems. And that can double your risk for heart attack and weaker recovery post-heart-attack; triple the odds for digestive problems and ulcers; and lead to a 10 times greater chance for headaches and migraines.

"But you don't have to inflict physical damage on your body because you are under financial pressure -- and that's great news since stress-related health problems can cost a lot in lost work time, doctor and hospital expenses (even with health insurance) and family happiness.  And a great bonus:  When you have less stress, you think more clearly, and solutions to many of life's challenges, including financial ones, become more controllable.

"Step 1: Stay social.  Counteract stress by investing in your social network, and we don't mean digitally.  Study after study shows that people with strong relationships deal better with stress and reduce their risk of heart disease, cancer, accidents and all causes of death.  So make an effort to stay in touch with friends and family, organize get-togethers, plan day trips.  And reach out to help others through volunteering -- acts of generosity and altruism are good for the hear and the spirit (not to mention the brain!).

"Step 2: Make your health a priority.  Financial stress doubles the chances that you'll skimp on prescription drugs, medical tests and doctor visits.  Ask your doctor about lower-cost ways to get the care you need.  You'll find free tips at www.sharecare.com and www.doctoroz.com to keep your health and weight on track!

"Step 3: Face facts.  Avoiding tough situations or difficult decisions doesn't make the stress they evoke go away -- it amplifies it in the long run!  So, identify at least one debt you'd like to stop stressing about, grab the most recent bill and do a little math.  Determine what you can do to chip away at it more effectively.  And then tell one friend or family member what you're doing.  In one study, half of the people who tried this approach were able to stay on track.

"Step 4: Eat out less often.  It's great for your budget, your waistline and your health!  And clearly, if you stay healthy you'll have less stress, because you won't be worrying about illnesses and you'll feel more in control of your future (a feeling that chronic debt can steal from you.)

"Step 5: Don't use shopping as stress relief.  Lots of you may hit the mall or outlets when you're feeling down.  But that's a recipe for overspending!  Dancing with your honey and friends in your living room to your favorite oldies is free.  Reading aloud with your spouse or kids is fun and relaxing, and how about a family board-game night?

"Step 6: Adopt stress-busting habits.  Financial stress increases your risk for obesity by 20 percent and ups the odds for smoking and excess alcohol use.  Dodge those risks with exercise, meditation, breathing exercises, hobbies and making time for fun.  They all can reduce levels of stress hormones and dial back anxiety.  If your thoughts keep circling around to your bank balance or the latest un-opened bills, try writing down your worries.  Sometimes they don't look so large when you get them down on paper, where you can evaluate them and make an action plan." - Mehmet Oz, M.D. and Mike Roizen, M.D.

Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT

She is a counselor in Westminster and Fort Collins, Colorado
She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928

Children are the most vulnerable among us

"Approximately 25% of all children in the United States will experience at least one significant traumatic event before the age of 16, with 15% of girls and 6% of boys developing symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder.  Unintentional injury remains the leading cause of death among those aged 14 and younger, while nearly 38,000 injuries occur on a daily basis that require medical attention--nearly half-million emergency room visits annually for traumatic brain injuries.  More than 10,000 children are diagnosed with cancer every year, and the most common tumors are brain-related. Each year, somewhere between three to four million reports of childhood abuse and neglect are filed with state and local Child Protective Services (60% of all cases are under the age of 13).  Over 800,000 minors are reported missing each year (2,200 times every single day).  Minors account for 39% of the homeless population in the United State (almost half of those are under the age of five) and there are an estimated 1.3 million homeless and runaway street kids throughout the country.  (Sources: Center for Disease Control and Prevention, National Institutes of Health, U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, FBI National Crime Information Center, National Coalition for the Homeless)

"The above statistics are staggering and can leave most people feeling overwhelmed.  Many of these trauma-orientated life experiences can create significant emotional, cognitive, behavioral and relational obstacles that children and their families must face and overcome.  However, some problems also arise, not so much as a result of certain incidents being perpetrated upon unsuspecting children, but simply due to complications during pregnancy or because of genetic and birth defects.  Nevertheless, with 46 million children under the age of 11 (15% of the total U.S. census), this demographic cannot be summarily dismissed or ignored....

"Therapeutic work with children often requires additional training and expertise due to a number of developmental factors that may be present and the need to have sufficient awareness regarding attachment theory, neuro-biological considerations, and early life experiences, as well as the various nuances within most family relationships.  When it comes to assessment, diagnostic conclusions and treatment interventions, an adept practitioner must be well-versed in systemic processes, behavioral approaches such as play therapy, and have the ability to connect and communicate with children at their level.  While it is not necessary for every therapist to be able to complete a full psychological evaluation, the ability to understand the findings and incorporate specific recommendations is for effective counseling to take place.  Albert Einstein once commented, "Play is the highest form of research." - Christian Counseling Today, vol. 20, no. 2

Children are the most vulnerable among us. Children are our most precious responsibility.  When they have emotional hurts, it is important to take care of them just as helping a physical wound heal.

Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado.  She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928.

God-centered joy

"When we choose well, the paths of surrender, relationship, acceptance and trust lead us to Him and His power.

"Now we are standing in front of another fork.  This time, we're seeking a path that will deliver us to something we're all looking for: joy,  What's interesting, however, it that the trail to joy is unmarked, full of rocks and overgrown  weeds, and rarely traveled.  As a result, whenever we arrive at this fork, we almost always choose the wrong path--and end up wondering why we're lost.

"To put this is plain terms, we often think possessions and things will make us happy.  Food, Sex. Money.  A new dress, couch, car, home, job or spouse.  We think that if we rearrange the circumstances, everything will get better.  Eventually, some of us figure it out, at least some of the time, that isn't how it works.  The external possessions and things are enticing and may offer temporary pleasure, but ultimately, they don't make a difference.  They are the wrong path.

"Joy springs from an internal choice--a decision of the heart about the heart.  It has nothing to do with circumstances and everything to do with God and where we are going with Him.  It also--and this is the part that trips us up--has little to do with what we, in all our "wisdom," want and believe we need.  The path that leads to joy is based entirely on what God desires for us.  Once we begin to walk in the direction He's pointing out to us, we discover true delight.

"Said another way, joy results when we focus more on God and less...on ourselves." - Jim Daly in Stronger

We all want joy in our lives.  We can try to fill that space in our lives with things, and entertainment, but those things are fleeting.  Inner joy comes from being who we are made to be, aligned with God.  Then even when things aren't perfect we can be content and joyful.

Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado.  She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928

Love addiction, part 2

Last, I wrote that love addicts and avoidants develop unhealthy patterns of dependency, distance, chaos, and often abuse.  In this article, I will describe the types of love addiction.

The types of love addiction are:
* Obsessed love addiction: This type of addiction comes with the inability to live independently from another person, or a feeling of possession.  The person may continue the obsession years after the relationship has ended.
* Codependency addiction: This type spins around the desired person.  The partner’s life is the focus, not the love addict.
* Relationship addiction: This often manifests as an addiction to the idea of having a relationship, instead of the development of an authentic relationship. There are two types: those who are constantly in and out of relationships and those who will not let go of a bad relationship for the sake of having a healthy relationship.
* Narcissistic love addiction: This type is all about the love addict, not about the person of affection.
* Ambivalent love addiction:  Having mixed feelings or contradictory ideas about someone is what this love addict encounters.
* Romance addiction: This can represent itself as an obsession over romance itself, including, but not limited to adventure and passion. People suffering with this type of love addiction worry about romantic rituals such as dates, dinner, sex, and everything else that has to do with a passing romance. This can often be a living out of the person's individual fantasies. A typical example is the legendary Don Juan. The love addict will seek seduction and conquest, but quickly tire of it.

By Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT

Renee has offices in Westminster and Fort Collins, Colorado.  Her work number is 303-257-7623 and 970-324-6928

Love addiction, part 1

Love addicts and avoidants form relationships that inevitably lead to unhealthy patterns of dependency, distance, chaos, and often abuse. Familiarity is the central engine of the love addiction. Each is attracted to the other specifically because of the familiar traits that the other exhibits.  These are patterns learned in childhood and continue into adulthood despite the pain that is caused. When the two addictive lovers come together --- a common and predictable relational process is ignited. Reference http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Love_addiction

This cycle of love addiction encompasses a push-pull dance full of emotional highs and lows where the one is on the chase (love addiction) while the avoidant is on the run. They both engage in "counterfeit emotional involvement” which consists of melodrama and negative intensity.  This dance creates the illusion of true love, intimacy, and connection.

The negative consequences of love addiction can vary. Depending on the severity of ones love addiction, negative consequences can range from violence (to others or self) to increased feelings of shame, depression, impaired emotional growth, chronic emptiness, loneliness, and loss of intimacy and enjoyment in life. In its extreme form, love addiction causes more murders and suicides than any other addiction.

The consequences of love addiction are most-clearly revealed when the love addict experiences withdrawal, which occurs when a relationship has ended or is perceived as falling apart. When a break-up occurs, the love addict longs for the attachment and apparent loving feelings of the lost relationship, as much as a heroin user craves the drug that is no longer available. This longing is a form of emotional withdrawal that leads to debilitating pain, obsession, and destructive behaviors atypical of that person’s usual behavior patterns.

By Renee Madison, MA, LPC
Renee has offices in Westminster and Ft. Collins. Her work number is (303) 257-7623 (970) 324-6928

When trouble arrives

"We've seen that whenever trouble arrive at our doorstep, we're presented with a series of choices.  We start at the crossroads and see three paths: beaten, bitter, or broken.  Do we surrender to God's will or chart our own course?  Do we withdraw into ourselves or accept the Lord's invitation to move into a deeper relationship with Him--'If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in' (Rev. 3:20)?

"When trouble arrives and we don't understand why, there is yet another decision we must make.  If we know Paul's secret, we can be confident of making the right choice.  I believe the secret is simply this:  Accept what's happened even if it doesn't make sense, and trust that God is in control." - Jim Daly in Stronger

When trouble arrives, and it will, how we deal with it can help or hinder us.  We don't want to be beaten, bitter, or broken.  We sometimes want to avoid the trouble rather than facing it.

Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado.  She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928

Shame recovery

"An injury to one's sense of self forges some bonds.  The self-injury becomes part of the fabric of the relationship and further disrupts the natural unfolding of the self.  When this involves terror of any sort, an emptiness forms at the core of the person and the self becomes inconsolable.  No addiction can fill it.  Not denial of self will restore it.  No single gesture will be believable.  Only a profound sens of the human community caring for the self can seal up this hole.  We call this wound shame.

"This part of your recovery agenda looks at how the relationship forced you to devalue the self, and plans for self-restoration to the human community.  Start by making a list of how the relationship devalued you.  Think of  times you felt unworthy, embarrassed, flawed or ashamed.  Make a list of ten sources of shame in the relationship." - Patrick J. Carnes, Ph.D. in Betrayal Bond

Shame recovery is hard.  We get used to hurting ourselves then get into relationships that are harmful.

Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado.  She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928

Self harm and deprivation

"'What are you doing to take care of yourself?' is one of the most often asked questions in recovery.  Self neglect is one of the common causes of relapse, and it is true that children whose parents neglected them have difficulty taking good care of themselves.

"This part of your recovery plan looks at those areas of your life that have gone beyond neglect of yourself and become compulsive deprivation or even compulsive self-harm.  First you need to identify forms of compulsive deprivation or self-harm that existed in the relationship(s) that you worry about." - Patrick J. Carnes, Ph.D. in The Betrayal Bond

Compulsive deprivation and self-harm comes in many forms.  Anorexia, sexual anorexia, compulsive saving or hoarding. compulsive cleaning, cutting or hurting self, hair pulling or skin picking, body piercing or excessive tattoos, compulsive exercising, compulsive debting or compulsive saving, compulsive working are all example of depriving and hurting oneself.

Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado.  She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928

Parent's paradox

“Attempting to usher a young person (or adult) entrapped in substance abuse ‘over the hump’ until he or she ‘gets it’ will turn a well-intentioned mother or father into part of the problem, not part of the solution.

“Our first instinct as parents has always been to protect our children.  We guided them as toddlers away from the hot stove, the steep stairs, and the traffic in the street.  Preventive guidance worked then, but no longer.

“Here’s the cherry on the top: while marshaling your best efforts against the chaos, you, Oh-Well-Meaning-One, are aiding and abetting a destructive course.  Though every instinct you have exercised as a mother or father is driving you to do anything and everything to derail an emotional and physical train wreck, the ‘conductor’ on this careening ride is the addict.  The more you scramble for solutions, the more you, the parent, are enabling the addictive behavior to progress!  Without realizing what is happening to you and your family, you have morphed into an anxious, frantic, crazy person, embroiled by a condition that you did not cause, cannot control, and cannot cure.

"Welcome to codependency.  You have now become part of the problem, not part of the solution.  As if this weren’t enough, you good intentions amount to sticking your nose into someone else’s business–the business of the daughter/son you are trying to rescue.  Even smoothing the rough spots for your child can provide only a temporary fix.  Like applying a Band-Aid to a boil, treating the surface problem cannot reach what is going on underneath.  The core of the problem continues to fester and grow.”  – Barbara Victoria in It’s not about you, except when it is

Parent's paradox is when helping the child is actually hurting them.  They want to help but helping in the wrong way can be detrimental to their child.

Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado.  She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928

Pornography use is a relationship issue

"As sex and relationship therapists, we know that pornography use is a relationship issue.  Porn affects the user's inner life (the relationship he has with himself), as well as the interactions he has with his partner and other family members.  Regular porn use often interferes with a person's ability to maintain good self-esteem and experience manually fulfilling sexual intimacy with a partner.  Dealing with pornography is not solely about stopping a behavior or overcoming an addiction.  It also involves reclaiming a sense of personal integrity and manifesting attitudes and behaviors that promote healthy sexual intimacy.  Nothing we found in our research discussed pornography use and its repercussions with this type of emphasis." - Wendy Maltz, LCSW, DST and Larry Maltz, LCSW in The Porn Trap

Sexual addiction is an intimacy disorder, not about sex but about an emotional issue.  Regular porn use lowers the ability to feel good about themselves and their intimate relationships, so they withdraw which increases the emotional disconnect.

Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado.  She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928

Body and aging

Natural Healthy You ‏@healthyUdoterra

The body doesn't wear down because of age; it wears down because of what we do to it.

Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado.  She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928

The problem with porn

"But our view on pornography began to change in the mid-1990s.  It was then that we started seeing a troubling increase in the number of clients coming to us with porn-related problems that were interfering with their ability to maintain healthy relationships.  It soon became clear how easily sexual interests and desires could be twisted by pornography, away from real intimacy, and toward technological devices, people and situations that didn't actually exist.  Porn's emphasis had moved from helping couples becoming more sexually intimate with each other to arousing the user to have a sexually relationship with it.

"That's an important distinction: unlike many early erotic videos, magazines, and books that were produced to help spice up lovemaking for couples, porn began to offer itself as the object of desire.  Today's porn teaches users to think only about body parts and specific sexual actions, robbing them of the ability to experience romance, passion, and emotional and physical closeness with a real partner.  It competes with partners as a sexual outlet....

"Because using porn often involves high levels of dishonesty and secrecy, those who are caught up in it often say they feel isolated, ashamed, depressed, phony, morally compromised, and even in some cases, suicidal.  Many are angry, irritable, and unable to sleep.  Some tell us porn is leading them on a dangerous path into illegal and risky activities, such as viewing child pornography, having affairs, having anonymous sex at adult bookstores, hiring prostitutes, and viewing porn at work.  What we have found really troubling is that many of our clients confide that they are unable to stop using pornography even when they are aware of the negative consequences it is having on their lives.  As with alcohol, drugs or cigarettes, this is one of the signs of a true addiction." - Wendy Maltz, LCSW, DST & Larry Malts, LCSW in The Porn Trap

Porn can be an addiction.  It can mess up those lives who are involved with it.  Being a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist, I deal with these broken lives every day in my counseling office.

Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado.  She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928

The latest and greatest blueberry band by SHEL

fun video!  The Latest and Greatest Blueberry Band by SHEL

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=126773561668&set=vb.47899422780&type=3&

video_source=pages_video_set

Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado.  She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928

Traumatic bonding

"So she was mystified as to why she still had these feelings for someone who had hurt her and her loved ones so badly.  I told her that the feelings are normal.  In the language of addictions we call them cravings; they do not go away simply because you understand.  Many get to the point of understanding but get pulled back in by the emotional reactivity.  The key is to dismantle the reactivity and the other trauma solutions that support traumatic bonding.  The relapse prevention plan you just completed focuses specifically on the relationship life itself.  Now we need to focus on how reactivity, arousal, blocking, splitting, deprivation, shame and repetition are used in that relationship.  Only then will you have sufficient distance to recognize that the feelings are not about reality.  They are like the Sirens of the ancient Greeks who seduced unwary sailors off course, where they crashed on the rocks hidden under the sea....

"Survivors of terror tend to react in extremes.  Their "alarm system" is set to hypersensitive.  The result is inner turmoil, personal chaos and relationship dysfunction.... By finding healthy ways to manage the internal reactions, you will be less vulnerable to those dysfunctional coping strategies.

"Start by listing ways that you underreact and ways you overreact in the relationships you are concerned about.  Give a description of what the reaction is, what the feeling is and the behavior that results from it.  Describe a specific event in which that happened.  Then describe an appropriate response strategy and what probably would have happened had you done that." - Patrick J. Carnes, Ph.D. in The Betrayal Bond

Working through traumas is important to your mental state and emotions.  We can react in unusual ways in our lives  when we have trauma bonded.  Traumas need to be worked through and new ways of living identified.

Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado.  She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928

Praising

“Kind words can be powerful motivators–but only if you praise the right things.  Praising someone’s ability to work hard is more effective than gushing about how brilliant she is.  Research shows that kids who are praised for their intelligence do not try as hard on future tasks.  Praising smarts breeds the belief that things should come naturally–and when they don’t, kids thing they are no longer bright.  Or they choose unchallenging paths so as not to be exposed as ‘frauds.’

“‘Being praised for effort or other aspects of performance directly under your control leads to resilience, while being praised for being smart or for other innate abilities can lead to feelings of helplessness or self-doubt when a set back occurs,’ says psychologist Heidi Grant Halvorson, associate director of the Motivation Science Center at Columbia University.  The ideal is to help someone think positively but realistically about achieving goals while praising their hard work.  When praised for persistence, those who think the path ahead will be difficult invest more effort.

“How praise is delivered counts as much as what gets praised.  Praise should be specific and sincere–and given generously especially at the office.  Workers asked to learn a task performed better at the end of the first day, report Japanese researchers.  To the brain, receiving a compliment is as much a social reward as being given money.” – Mary Loftus in March/April 2013 Psychology Today

It does matter how we give praise.  We need to tell those that do well what they do well in not just a general, blanket statement.

Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado.  She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928

Hold Fast by MercyMe

http://youtu.be/uWejcH0JWTc

Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado.  She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928

You are more

[youtube=http://youtu.be/IwtcwQwgdsA]

Tenth Avenue North - You Are More

Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado.  She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928

Hold truth to be more important

"We must always hold truth, as we can best determine it, to be more important, more vital to our self-interest than our comfort.  Conversely, we most always consider our personal discomfort relatively unimportant and indeed, even welcome it in the service for truth.  Mental health is an ongoing process of dedication to reality at all costs." - M. Scott Peck, The Road Less Traveled

Hold truth to be more important.  When we are not truthful our mental health is in jeopardy.

Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado.  She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928

Validating statements

"'It's hard when your friend has a sleepover with someone else.  I'm guessing you feel left out.'

"'Of course you're scared about going to a new school.  Anyone would be nervous.'

"'I used to feel jealous of my sister too.'

"'I know that you really love that outfit.  In my opinion the colors don't go together well.'

"'Your friends are upset because you're not passing the ball to them when they have open shots.  I know because the coach told me they have complained about that.'

"'When you scream like that, I have trouble listening to you and don't want to do what you are asking.  I know you are upset, and if you could tell me in a lower voice, I could listen and possibly help.'" - Karyn D. Hall, PhD and Melissa H. Cook, LPC in The Power of Validation

Validating statements are caring.  Caring for the emotions of other.


Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado.  She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928

Unconditional love vs. validation

"Unconditional love means loving your child no matter what.  Although unconditional love is critically important in parenting, it is a different concept from validation.  Unintended hurt an happen even when unconditional love is present.  You can have unconditional love and still invalidate your child's feelings, just as you can have unconditional love and validate your child's feelings.  When you give unconditional love while invalidating your child's thoughts and feelings, you run the risk of fostering the child's unhealthy dependency on you or others.  Unconditional love creates a safe environment, but invalidation teaches the child that he can't make his own decisions and can't keep himself safe, but needs you or someone else to do that.  'I love you no matter who else hates you' does not validate the child's loss of a friend.  'We've always got each other' does not help the child deal with his emotions about not making the team or about his father's move out of the house.  It is actually more confusing to him than simply validating him." - Karyn D. Hall, PhD and Melissa H. Cook, LPC in The Power of Validation

Validation is important to your child's emotional health as is unconditional love.  Since we love so deeply, we want to validate.  Being intentional is the validating is important as we can easily invalidate in that love.

Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado.  She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928

Children break rules

"Sometimes, even without underlying issues, children break rules because they want to do what their friends are doing, or they act impulsively, without considering the potential consequences.  Children get carried away by having a good time, or they behave inappropriately to impress their friends or simply because that's what they want to do.  They will play basketball instead of doing their homework, or they will lie about the broken lamp.  Validating discipline means respectfully giving consequences when your child's behavior needs correction.  Humiliating and shaming are not part of validating discipline.  Every child sometimes breaks rules and making shocking choices.  This behavior is not personal toward you.  Your job is to help your children learn that actions have consequences.  Sometimes you will want to berate your child in response to his actions, because you are angry or because you want him to feel bad enough to never make such a ridiculous choice again.  Your discipline will be more effective if you just consequence without judging your child's character.

"Validating discipline is not about what disciple strategies you choose to use; it's about the tone of your discipline and the way you interact with your child.  Being angry about your child's choices and behavior is okay--but invalidating your child is not okay.

"Validating parenting means recognizing that your child means well most of the time and the misbehavior usually happens for a reason.  When the misbehavior is repetitive, the child may be struggling with situations that are difficult for her and for which she may not be developmentally ready.  Recognizing this fact and that there are many other reasons why a child might misbahave are part of validating parenting." - Karyn D. Hall, Ph.D. and Melissa H. Cook, LPC in The Power of Validation

Children break rules for many reasons.  How parents discipline must take into account the feelings that are behind the rule breaking.

Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado.  She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928

Overwhelmed children

"Children do not plot ways to stress out their parents, break all the rules, and wreak havoc.  They do not wish to be aggressive, lie, break things, or make you totally miserable--at least not unless they are really angry with you!  They would like to have a peaceful, safe family life in which they feel loved.  Often their behavior is about feeling unloved, unaccepted, or unsafe.  'Safe,' for children, often means feeling solidly connected to their parents or caregivers (securely attached).

"Sometime children's tears, temper tantrums, and aggression are the result of being overwhelmed with feelings that they don't know how to manage.  For a child who is neurologically sensitive, physical sensations can be overwhelming.  The idea of have to endure socks that itch or a bothersome seam all day can be unbearable, and when others don't understand, the child is torn between her own experience and the impressions of others.  Sometimes children can't label their feelings, perhaps because they are too overwhelmed to think clearly or are still learning how to name their feelings. 

"Validating discipline takes these factors into considerations.  When you validate a child's feelings, perhaps especially when they make no sense to you, the child is more likely to let you know what makes him feel less loved, less accepted, less important, or otherwise unsafe.  Then you have an opportunity to deal with the real issue."  - Karyn D. Hall, Ph.D. and Melissa H Cook, LPC in The Power of Validation

Overwhelmed children, like some adults, don't act rationally.  Understanding what is underneath their acting out is important.  What is the feeling under the acting out behavior?  Anger itself is a secondary feeling, the first sometimes to come out but not the core feeling.  Taking care of the core feeling is  what is necessary to deal with. 

Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado.  She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928

UK reduces porn

UK reduces Internet porn:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-23401076

Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado.  She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928

Life requires pruning

"Pruning is necessary, natural, and beneficial for anything that is alive.  We need it developmentally... and we need it in relationships and in business.  we need it when things are going well and when things are not going well; it is a natural part of life's seasons and a requirement for growth.

"The premise that pruning is necessary but still notice that we have an emotional misalignment with that premise, we will struggle to realize our vision of the future and our potential.  But if you can become aware of your resistances and internal conflicts now, then you can begin to face them and work them through.  If you can become aware of your resistances and internal conflicts now, then you can begin to face them and work them through..."  - Dr. Henry Cloud in Necessary Endings

Life requires pruning.  As we grow we have to let possessions and relationships go to make room for new experiences and relationships.  In school we move from grade to grade changing teachers and classmates.  We learn from those experiences.  In nature the seasons take on the job of natural pruning; for example, diseased trees fall down when they are dead and the wind blows them over.

Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado.  She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928

Three types of reasons to prune

"In business and in life, executing the three types of necessary endings...is what characterizes people who get results.  (1) If an initiative is siphoning off resources that could go to something with more promise, it is pruned. (2) If an endeavor is sick and is not going to get well, it is pruned.  (3) If it's clear that something is already dead, it is pruned.  This is the threefold formula for doing well in almost every arena of life.

"The areas of your business and life that require your limited resources--your time, energy, talent, emotions, money--but are not achieving the vision you have for them should be pruned.  Just like an unpruned rosebush, your endeavors will be merely average without pruning.  And here is the key point: by average.  I don't mean on an absolute basis.  There is nothing wrong with being in the middle of the bell curve in many aspects of life, as that may be what success is for that person or at least that dimension of life.  I have friends who own small businesses of less than average size in their industry or by other measurements, yet they have a fully maximized, thriving enterprise for what it is and is supposed to be.  Hundreds of employees and tens of millions of dollars is a great rose of a business and a life for what their talents, dreams, and opportunities consist of.  Not the size of Microsoft perhaps, but they have achieved fullness of maturity for their company and/or life.  Alive and thriving to the max.  But without pruning, they would not have gotten there.  And by the same token, if Microsoft or a much bigger company with tens of billions in revenues is not pruning, just because they are large, they can still be "average" relative to their own potential.  They can truly be lagging behind where they should be.

"So the question is more about this: are you only achieving average results in relation to where you or your business or team is supposed to be?  In other words, giving your abilities, resources, opportunities, etc., are you reaching your full potential, or are you drifting toward a middle that is lower than where you should be if you were getting the most from who you are and what you have?  When pruning is not happening, average or worse will occur.

"Too often, as bad as the results of not pruning can be, we still persist in avoiding it because it involves fear, pain, and conflict.  Yet in order to succeed, we must prune.  How does that make you feel? Conflicted?  Welcome to the inner turmoil of necessary endings." - Dr. Henry Cloud in Necessary Endings

We have to get rid of the things things that hold us back from being the best person we can be.  Not to be average or mediocre but to reach our full potential.  How exciting is that.  To have the healthy relationships, to be in or working towards a fulfilling career or life, these are worthwhile potentials.

Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado.  She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928

The pressure is off

"The world is less overwhelming, threatening, and unpredictable now.  The sun can shine brighter and the stars are close.  If I stop to smell the flowers and pet the dog and take notice of what is working in my life, I am less inclined to focus on someone else' stuff.  I have plenty of my own, and that is just fine....

"Life is not perfect, but it certainly holds more possibility.  The pressure is off when you are not longer driven to manage everybody and everything.  That alone makes life a whole lot more promising.

"I am not responsible for anyone else' perfection, and I don't have to be perfect, either.  Compared to where I have been, this is a state of grace." - Barbara Victoria in It's Not About You, Except When It Is

The pressure is off when we stop trying to make everyone conform to who we want them to be.  At times it is hard to do, but the internal rewards are greater for you and the other person.  They can learn from their mistakes on their own and you from yours.

Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado.  She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928

Leaders unable to end

"Leaders are people, and people have issues that get in the way of the best-made ideas, and realities.  And when it comes to endings, there is no shortage of issues that keep people stuck.

"Somewhere along the line, we have not been equipped with the discernment, courage, and skills needed to initiate, follow through, and complete these necessary endings.  We are not prepared to go where we need to go.  So we do not clearly see the need to end something, or we maintain false hope, or we just are not able to do it.  As a result, we stay stuck in what should now be in our past.  And these abilities are not only lacking in the world of business.  They appear in the personal side of life as well.

"Think of the now ubiquitous "failure of launch" syndrome of those twenty- or thirty- somethings still living with their parents.  They cannot end childhood and fully enter adulthood.  But the bigger issue is often the parents' inability to end the patter and stop the toxic dependency by pushing the grown "kid" out of the nest.  They refuse to end their "helping" role, which is not a fact helping.  Another tragic example is the inability of many women to walk out the door when they are being abused.  Fears and vulnerabilities keep them stuck in devastating patterns that ought to end.  Likewise, in the world of work, because of security fears, some cannot have jobs that are keeping them stuck and unfulfilled.  In sum, we are not prepared or equipped to take the next step, the one we really need to take.
And it is not only the endings that we must proactively execute that are problematic.  There are also the endings that are forced upon us, endings we do not choose but that we cannot work through very well either.  As a result, we remain in pain or stuck, unable to pursue a new phase in life.  These endings include divorce, being fired or laid off, death of a loved one, disintegration of a friendship, chronic illness, and so on.  We do not choose these endings; they are thrust upon us by people we have trusted or sometimes by truly horrible events in life.  If we are not prepared or have had too many losses before, these endings can render us broken, depressed, and floundering, sometimes for years.

 "We we fail to end things well, we are destined to repeat the mistakes that keep us from moving on.  We chose the same kind of dysfunctional person or demoralizing job again.  Not learning our lessons and proactively dealing with them, we make the same business or personal mistakes over and over.  Learning how to do an ending well and how to metabolize the experience allows us to move beyond patterns of behavior that may have tripped us up in the past.  We do not have to keep repeating the same patterns."  Dr. Henry Cloud in Necessary Endings.

The inability to end a necessary stop of a toxic relationship, of business plan no longer profitable, or any other unhealthy situation is detrimental to our businesses and our lives.  Staying stuck may feel secure to some extent but it is a hindrance to our lives. 

Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado.  She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928

Constructed to love

"God has not constructed us to be fueled by accomplishments, possessions or trophies. He has constructed us to be fueled by love. And love only comes from being deeply connected to others." Henry Cloud in Law of Happiness

It is important to remember that we don't get our fulfillment, true fulfillment with stuff. Experiencing and owning things can add to life and accomplishments to the enjoyment but not add love.

Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado.  She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928

Stress of life

"I offer these tips for achieving mind-body-spirit balance in our hectic world:
1.
"Create a healthy boundary for solitude.  People today are suffering from information (sensory) overload. The effect may result in poor memory, poor processing skills, poor attention span, poor decision-making, as well as decreased productivity. Resolve the process-addiction habits of constant cell phone, e-mail, Ipod, and Internet accessibility. Declare high-tech free zones (in space and time) each day.   In this solitude, take time for some simple relaxation techniques (e.g., breathing, yoga, tai chi, etc.) as an essential step in caring for the caregiver.
2.
"Resolve issues of anger and fear. Research is conclusive that chronic stress suppresses immune function (Kiecolt-Glaser, 1999). Energetically speaking, unresolved issues of anger and fear congest various aspects of subtle anatomy... thus affecting the integrity of various target organs. Making peace with our emotions (e.g., diplomatically confronting our fears and resolving anger issues through forgiveness) is essential for mind, body, and spirit. Additionally, joy, mirth, and gratitude are essential. Consider finding one humorous thing a day to lighten your heart.
3.
"Make a daily practice of meditation but this won’t happen until dedicated time and space is combined with the discipline to domesticate the ego.  Sitting still to clear your mind of ego chitchat is essential for mind-body-spirit equilibrium. Insights from a clear mind lend support to the Chinese axiom, “When the student is ready, the teacher will come” (N. Cheng [author of Life and Death in Shanghai], personal communication, January 21, 2006), but this won’t happen until dedicated time and space is combined with the discipline to domesticate the ego.
4.
"Engage in regular (daily) cardio-vascular exercise.  Exercise is the fight-or-flight response, so it would make sense that if you are stressed, exercise (like a homeopathic remedy) would help restore homeostasis. The benefits of regular cardiovascular exercise are numerous, including parasympathetic rebound and the “flushing” of stress hormones (cortisol) out of the system.
5.
"Maintain healthy eating habits.  The stress response depletes essential nutrients that often are not replaced with fast foods and comfort foods (empty calories). Moreover, many foods (e.g., caffeine, sugar, salt) act to increase the release of epinephrine and nor-epinephrine, hence throwing gasoline on the fire. Additionally, many foods contain significant traces of synthetic fertilizers and pesticides that overload the immune system. Organic foods are always the best choice.
6.
"Nurture strong support groups.  Friends offer a buffering effect to personal and social stress. It is now known as the “tend and befriend effect” (Taylor, 2002; Taylor et al., 2000). While friends cannot always help solve our problems, they can offer emotional and spiritual support. Remember, it’s not the quantity of friends, but the quality of friends that matters. The mind-body-spirit connection is far more complex than today’s science has yet to validate, yet when stress is left unresolved, we know this: ultimately the body becomes the battlefield for the war games of the mind. Where there is chronic stress, there are ego control will tell you these are the inner resources needed to successfully confront all roadblocks. The days of being chased by a saber-toothed tiger have now become days of entitlements with unmet expectations, urban sprawl, corporate downsizing, information overload, electromagnetic pollution, unruly teenagers, global warming, elder-care, in-your-face marketing, e-mail avalanches, and the threat (real or imagined) of global terrorism. As renowned stress researcher Hans Selye (1976) warned us, the physical body, in all its wonders, cannot stay in a state of stressed arousal without dire consequences. Ultimately stress kills. For this reason, a holistic approach is in our best interest." - Dr. Brian Luke Seaward in Beginnings Winter 2007

Reducing stress is a lifestyle change.  Less TV, more friends and more exercise, more quiet time.  Life in balance leads us to able to handle the necessary stress of life.

Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado.  She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928

Juveniles and drugs

"Although recent trends in youth drug use have shown the first significant downturn in usage level, they remain at high levels, and it has been shown that the earlier drug use is initiated, the more likely a person is to develop drug problems later in life.

"Youth substance abuse can lead to many other problems, including the development of delinquent behavior, antisocial attitudes and health-related issues.  These problems not only affect the child, but can also influence the child's family, community and ultimately society.

"Recent trends in youth drug use have shown a significant downturn in usage levels.  However, reducing youth drug use remains a key component of the President's National Drug Control Strategy because studies have demonstrated that the earlier drug use is initiated, the more likely a person is to develop drug problems later in life.

"According to the 2008 Monitoring the Future study, 19.6 percent of eighth graders, 34.1 percent of 10th graders and 47.4 percent of 12th graders reported using any illicit drug within their lifetimes....

"Persistent substance abuse by young people often leads to academic difficulties, health-related problems (including mental health), poor peer relationships and involvement with the juvenile justice system.  Additionally, there are consequences for family members, the community and entire society.

"Mental health problems, including depression, developmental lags, apathy, withdrawal and other psychosocial dysfunctions, are frequently linked to substance abuse among adolescents.  Substance-abusing youth are at higher risk than nonusers for mental health problems, including depression, conduct problems, personality disorders, suicidal thoughts, attempted suicide and suicide.  Marijuana use, which is prevalent among youth, has been shown to interfere with short-term memory, learning and psychomotor skills.  Motivation and psychosexual/emotional development also may be influenced." - Elite Continuing Education

Juveniles playing /experimenting with illicit drugs does impact their live.  The increase of usage the more problems in their lives and emotions, the correlations are being found true in studies.

Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado.  She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928

Coaddicts grieving

"One of the first reactions of a grieving person is the denial of the loss of the loved one.  The loss of the relationship because of addictive involvement generates all those basic human processes involved at separation: hope, denial, anger, despair, and loneliness.  A grieving person resolves pain by acknowledging the loss and reconnecting with others.  Losing a loved one to addiction, however, has the potential of keeping one stuck in the early stages of grief and never coming to resolution.  The addict is still present in one's life even though the loss of the relationship is real. 

"Therein is the bind of the 'coaddict,' or the loved one or friend who becomes so involved in the life of the addict that he or she truly starts to participate in the same impaired mental processes of the addict.  As 'courtship goes awry' for the the addict, the grief cycle for the loved one, one also becomes distorted.  By definition, the addict replaces normal human relationships with sexual compulsiveness.  Loved ones feel the loss, try to deny it, and become angry, feeling despair and sometimes hope.  The coaddicts' efforts to restore the relationship are not only ineffective, they can intensify and deepen the addictive system for the addict.  To compound the tragedy, coaddict will take actions which are self-destructive, degrading, or even profound violations of their own values.  Family members, as coaddicts, become part of the problem.  Hence the prefix co-." - Patrick Carnes, Ph.D. in Out of the Shadows

Grief and loss are not the feelings that come to mind with family and spouses of addicts.  However, those are real feelings that coaddicts go through.  They haven't lost the addict in a physical sense but the hopes and dreams for the relationship and the addict have died. 

Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado.  She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928

Domestic violence study

"In the first major global review of violence against women, a series of reports released Thursday found that about a third of women have been physically or sexually assaulted by a former or current partner
"The head of the World Health Organization [WHO], Dr. Margaret Chan, called it 'a global health problem of epidemic proportions,' and other experts said screening for domestic violence should be added to all levels of health care.
"Among the findings: 40 percent of women killed worldwide were slain by an intimate partner, and being assaulted by a partner was the most common kind of violence experienced by women.
"Researchers used a broad definition of domestic violence, and in cases where country data was incomplete, estimates were used to fill in the gaps.  WHO defined physical violence as being slapped, pushed, punched, choked or attacked with weapon.  Sexual violence was defined as being physically forced to have sex for fear of what the partner might do and being compelled to do something sexual that was humiliating or degrading.

"The report also examined rates of sexual violence against women by someone other than a partner and found about 7 percent of women worldwide has previously been a victim.

"In conjunction with the report, WHO issued guidelines for authorities to spot problems earlier and said all health workers should be trained to recognize when women may be at risk and how to respond appropriately.

"Globally, the WHO review found 30 percent of women are affected by domestic or sexual violence by a partner.  The report was based largely on studies from 1983 to 2010.  According to the United Nations, more than 600 million women live in countries where domestic violence is not considered a crime.

"The rate of domestic violence against women was highest in Africa, the Middle East and Southeast Asia, where 37 percent of women experience physical or sexual violence from a partner at some point in their lifetimes.  The rate was 30 percent in Latin America and 23 percent in North America and 23 percent in North America.  In Europe and Asia, it was 25 percent.

"Some experts and screening for domestic violence should be added to all levels of health care, such as obstetric clinics.  'It's unlikely that someone would walk into an ER and disclose they've been assaulted,' said Sheila Sprague of McMaster University in Canada, who has researched domestic violence in women at orthopedic clinics.  She was not connected to the WHO report." - Maria Cheng in The Associated Press

It is sad that this still goes on in this day and age.  The age where so many modern conveniences are available to all like cell phones that in relationships women are still minimized and fear is in the home with their partner/spouse.  The article doesn't even mention how the children in the home are abused and live in fear because of what they see their mothers go through.

Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado.  She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928

The Impossible

A beautiful movie of love, tragedy and survival.

Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado.  She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928


[youtube=http://youtu.be/Bgw394ZKsis]

Avoding endings

"Endings are necessary, but the truth is that we often do not do them well.  Although we need them for good results to happen in life and for bad situations to be resolved, the reality is that most of us humans often avoid them or botch them.

• We hang on too long when we should end something now.
• We do not know if an ending is actually necessary, or if 'it' or 'he' is fixable.
• We are afraid of the unknown.
• We fear confrontation.
• We are afraid of hurting someone.
• We are afraid of letting go and the sadness associated with an ending.
• We do not possess the skills to execute the ending.
• We do not even know the right words to use.
• We have had too many and too painful endings in our personal history, so we avoid another one.
• When they are forced upon us, we do not know how to process them, and we sink or flounder.
• We do not learn from them, so we repeat the same mistakes over and over.

"As you reflect on these reasons, can you think of any situations where these reasons have interfered with an ending you need to make?" - Dr. Henry Cloud in Necessary Endings

Above are many reasons that we avoid ending things that we should end.  We tend to avoid pain rather than do the healthy ending.  And many times it just prolongs the inevitable.

Some of us end things too quickly rather than seeing them through.  The wisdom is to know the difference of what to end and what not to end.  Neither are easy decisions to make.

Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado.  She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928

A time to end

"Endings are also an important factor in our personal lives.  There are relationships that should go away, practices and phases that must be relinquished, and life stages that should come to an end to open up the space for the next time.  A breakup, an ending of some friendships or activities, or an unplugging from some commitments often signals the beginning of a whole new life.  It is a necessary step I refer to as pruning....

"Some endings are not a next natural step but are just as necessary.  We wish they weren't, but they are.  They come about not in pursuit of growth to the next level, but because something has gone wrong.  It's been said that some things die and some things need to be killed.

"In a personal realm, we can get stuck in situations or relationships that are hurtful, problematic, or toxic and must be ended.  Or sometimes it is not relationships we need to end but behaviors--destructive patterns and practices that hold us back.  In many contexts, until we let go of what is not good, we will never find something that is good.  The lesson: good cannot begin until bad ends.

"In both normal life and life gone wrong, endings are a necessity.  As the Byrds reminding us in their Sixties song 'Turn, Turn, Turn,' there is a season for everything.  Taken from Ecclesiastes,m the message is that there is a season for things to begin and a season for them to end, and that's how life works.  Perhaps you have heard or read this famous passage many times, but take another look and focus your attention on the prevalent role of endings throughout:

"'There is a time for everything, a season for every activity under heaven: a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing, a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and time for peace.'

"Endings are not only part of life, they are a requirement for living and thriving, professionally and personally.  Being alive requires that we sometimes kill off things in which we were once invested, uproot what we previously nurtured, and tear down what we built for an earlier time.  Refraining, giving up, throwing away, tearing down, heating what we once cherished--all are necessary.  Endings are the reason you are not married to your prom date nor still working in your first job.  But without the ability to do endings well, we flounder, stay stuck, and fail to reach our goals and dreams.  Or worse we remain in painful and sometimes destructive situations.  Endings are crucial, but we rarely like them.  Hence the problem."  - Dr. Henry Cloud in Necessary Endings.

A time to end.  Endings are necessary at times.   The above song by the Byrds is about how life works as confusing as it sometimes is.

Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado.  She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928

Endings are natural

"Today may be the enemy of your tomorrow.

"In your business and perhaps your life, the tomorrow that you desire and envision may never come to pass if you do not end some things you are doing today.  For some people, that is clear and easy to execute.   They end the things that are holding them back.  For others it is more difficult....

"Endings are a natural part of the universe, and your life and business must face them, stagnate, or die.  They are an inherent reality....  There are different kinds of endings and that learning how to tell one form the other will ensure some successes and prevent many failures and much misery, ending substantial pain and turmoil that you or your business may now be encountering." Dr. Henry Cloud in Necessary Endings

Most endings are hard to do, hard to walk through and seem not necessary.  However, when we hold on to the situations, people or things when we need to let go of them we can then experience new growth.

Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado.  She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928

Choose worthwhile activities

"As you move toward being fully engaged, you may have to ask yourself, What have I been giving my time to?  If you are spending all your time in mind-numbing activities, it is time to stop those and 'wake up.'  Pick some things  to do that are worth your full engagement and will invite you to be there.  You will be much more fully alive....

"Ask God what is next for you.  It may be something new that stretches you into a flow experience.  Or it may mean getting engaged in what is right before you.  Perhaps you need to reorganize your job description or career so that you spend more time doing what you are best at and what engages you to the max.  Research shows that businesses that use their people that way have the best performance.  Work with your boss to maximize your gifts.

"Either way, whether it is showing up more in what you are already doing, or doing some new tasks, do not let time just slowly go by.  Make it go away, as you taste a bit of heaven by living a fully engaged life."  - Dr. Henry Cloud in The Law of Happiness

Living purposeful, not just wasting away is life giving.  When we do a depressing life then we get depressed.  When we are doing worthwhile activities we have passion for life.  Setting goals and living purposeful brings us more fully alive.

Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado.  She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928

Accepting a compliment

"Nearly everyone who is asked, 'What is the proper response to a compliment?' replies, 'Say 'thank you.''  But when actually offered a compliment, only a third of people accept it so simply and smoothly, found linguist Robert Herbert of Binghamton University.

"The difficulty lies in the fact that a compliment ('What a nice sweater!') has two levels: a gift component (accept or reject) and a content component (agree or disagree).  The addressee is confronted with a  dilemma--how to respond simultaneously to both: 'I must agree with the speaker and thank him for the gift of a compliment while avoiding self-praise.'

"Contrary to conventional wisdom, women aren't worse than men at accepting compliments.  It is the gender of the compliment-giver that most influences the response.  Women and men are both more likely to accept a compliment coming from a man than from a woman.  When a man says, 'Nice scarf," a woman is more likely to respond affirmatively.  'Thanks, my sister knitted it for me.'

"But when one woman tells another, 'That's a beautiful sweater,' she is likely to demur or deflect: 'It was on sale at Walmart, and they didn't even have the color I wanted.'  Such a response, intended to make the complimenter feel that recipient isn't overly proud, only makes her feel awkward or invalidated instead.

"Compliments can expose a wide range of social ineptitude.  Responses Herbert recorded include 'praise upgrades' ('Yes, it really brings out the blue in my eyes'), follow-up questions ('Do you really think so?  Do you want to borrow it?') and disagreement ('it's itchy, I hate it').  Better to make a relevant, related comment ('Thanks, it's my favorite').  But nothing tops a smile, looking the complimenter in the eye, and saying, 'Thank you.'" - Mary Loftus in Psychology Today March/April 2013

We can make others feel bad when they compliment us.  Learning how to take a compliment can do wonders for our relationships.

Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado.  She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928

Happy people pursue goals

"And remember, life is about the big picture and the small; life goals, five-year goals, yearly goals, monthly, weekly, and daily goals.  I love to not only think about the big picture in my life and work, for the small goals as well....

"And that day will be added to other days that will give me a week's success, a month's success, and so on....

"Make your goals specific, measurable, attainable, realistic, and timely, commonly known as SMART goals.  Dream big, but make that big dream something real that is able to be attained, measured, and can fit into the real world of time and deadlines.  Real, attainable, and structural goals will engage you and help you feel successful along the way.

"God made you like him, a person who is creative, has talents, brains, and abilities, and can see into a future that does not yet exist.  Goals will help you bring all those together.  Create your dreams, large and small, and engage your talents and abilities to create the tomorrow that you envision.  It will definitely add to your happiness." - Henry Cloud in The Law of Happiness

We need things to look forward to.  Goals, long and short term give us a reason to get moving. 

Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado.  She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928

Listening to each other

A funny  - listening to each others feelings is important.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-4EDhdAHrOg

Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado.  She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928

Necessary goals

"When we set goals and put legs to our desires and teach them, it definitely does do the heart good.  A listless life that never strives to reach goals can feel lost.  The research says that not only the attainment of our goals but also the pursuit brings joy along the way.  As happiness researcher Sonja Lyubomitsky says, 'People who strive for something personally significant, whether it's learning a new craft, changing careers, or raising moral children, are far happier than those who don't have strong dreams or aspirations.  Find a happy person and you will find a project.'  Further, 'it turns out that the process of working toward a goal, participating in a valued and challenging activity, is as important to well-being as its attainment....

"Not that an entire life can look like the spring of that one week.  Life is a marathon.  But what we know about goals tells us that both the sprints of short-term goals and the marathon of a life spent pursuing longer-term goals and purposes contribute to satisfaction and well-being.  They give us something to give ourselves to and invest our passions and strengths in.  They help contribute to the 'flow,' which is a happiness factor in and of itself.  They structure our lives and give them direction.  They help order our time and energy.  And a host of other benefits that contribute to a sense of well-being." - Henry Cloud in The Law of Happiness

Looking forward to meeting goals, short-term and long-term, is hope giving and life giving.  We need something to look forward to.

Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado.  She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928

Happy now

"Happy people are happy 'now.'  Because they practice all the ingredients we are looking at, they are never dependent on a someday or tomorrow to be the key to their well-being.  They are fulfilled before that upcoming even ever takes place.  They are happy 'now.'

"What gives them this ability?  Several ingredients, but first and foremost it is a spiritual discipline of living in the now.  Listen to how Jesus puts it:  'Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.  Each day has enough trouble of its own.'

"While the Bible certainly tells us to plan for the future, it also tells us to live in the present, each and every day.  Today, or better yet, this moment, is all there is or all there ever will be.  You can never experience tomorrow, ever.  When it gets here, it will be just another moment like today, and if you do not have the spiritual discipline of experiencing the 'now moment,' when it gets here, you will miss the tomorrow that you are waiting on right now.

"Research has shown that people's ability to focus on the moments they are experiencing right now, the joys and pleasures of the present, actually make them happier and less stressed and depressed."   - Henry Cloud in The Law of Happiness

Being happy now is quite a wonderful goal.  Looking at the present and the good experiences right now gives us joy in the moment.  So do it for your mental health today!

Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado.  She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928

Happy when...

"Some people feel that happiness is on some sort of timeline and depends on a later event.  It cannot happen now, because there is a missing piece that has not occurred yet.  But in reality people who think this way do not magically become happy 'when' the 'whatever' it is happens.  They just transfer that mind-set to the next 'when.' - Henry Cloud in The Law of Happiness

It is sad when people live in the future.  There is so much to live in the moment.  The reality that the "when" or "whatever" cannot make them truly happy, they will just be happy maybe for a time before going back into the unhappy state.

Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado.  She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928

Find time

"'We do not want you to become lazy, but to imitate those who through faith and patience inherit what has been promised.' (Heb 6:12)

"I love this verse.  It gives one more example of the created order, the way God set up the universe.  He makes promises about life, and then he expects us to do our part and not be lazy.  He promised the children of Israel a 'promised land,' but they had to go and possess it.  They had to fight a lot of battles to get there.  And, little by little, they did.  'Imitate those who through faith and patience inherit what has been promised.'  God has promised you abundant life, but he has not promised you an abundant life with no effort.  Work on your happiness, take responsibility for it, get moving.  Work out your salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who is working within you.  He is doing his part; now you have to do yours.  Don't be lazy!

"Since I write books, people often come up to me and say, 'I would love to write a book.  I have been wanting to write for a long time.  I already know what I want to write about.'...'I have a job too,' I tell them. 'I have to write in my spare time.  It has only been recently that I have been able to set aside time specifically for writing.  But my first twenty books or so, I had to do it when I could find a moment.

"Most often they just look at me.  They I tell them, 'You will find time to do what you want to do.

"I love the story of John Grisham.  He was an attorney and a state legislator but always wanted to be an author.  Obviously he was busy, full-time and more.  But with a dream of writing a novel, he got up a little earlier each day and wrote one page.  Within a few years, he had A Time to Kill: A Novel. He has sold more than 100 million books since then, but it all started by not being too lazy to write just one page a day.  Get moving toward the activities that are going to make you fulfilled and happy.  One page or one call at a time." - Henry Cloud in The Law of Happiness

It is true that we find time to do what we want to do.  Sometimes it is just filling our lives with escapism, i.e. addictions, rather than truly going towards the life that we want.

Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado.  She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928

Get moving

"My experience has been that when people get a wake-up call about their level of happiness in life, their first realization is that they are responsible for their own happiness, and their second realization is that they will need to pursue certain activities.  I have seen many people who, having been stuck for years, finally "get it," wake up, and say, "I do not have to live like this.  I am going to do something about my life."  Then they get busy, and a year later.  I hardly recognize them.

"But for that to happen, you have to find the "push."  You have to overcome the entropy and lack of movement that has dominated you for so long.  You have to "do something."  So how you do that?

"Other than those who might be clinically depressed or suffering from a real illness of some sort, there are two broad types of people reading this book.  The first is the type who, upon reading what I have written so far, gets up and moving.  She says, "This makes sense.  What have I been doing?"  So she'll call a support group, join Weight Watchers, sign up for that community college class, take up rock climbing, call a therapist, or do whatever she has been avoiding that takes a little effort.  If that is you, God bless you.  You are on your way.

"The second type is the one who reads this and finds that it resonates, wants to pursue change, but will probably not do anything.  Is there hope for him?  Absolutely, but not on his own.  If this is you, you need two things: energy and structure.  You have shown how, when left to your own devices, you are not going to self-motivate and do not have the needed discipline.  So you have to find energy and structure from the outside.

"I suggest that you get a buddy, an accountability partner, a group, a therapist, a class, a trainer, a coach, or whatever it is going to take to get you moving and continuing to move.  At this point in your life, if you do not have outside structure and someone motivating you, you will slip back into passivity.  But think about this this way: if to get active enough to get someone to push you or to join a class is being as active as you can be, that is great.  That can help you from there.  That is all you have to do, but you have to do it.  Otherwise, you are in danger of continuing to do nothing and being lazy about your happiness." - Henry Cloud in The Law of Happiness

Henry Cloud puts this need for energy and courage in a nice way.  Many times we need encouragement to do the healthy, right thing for our lives.  Getting help takes courage and is not a weakness.

Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado.  She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928

Pursuing happiness

"Contrast... attitude and behavior with that of happy people.  Those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord!"  instead of "Good Lord, morning," usually do not find themselves in that place by happenstance. They find themselves there by exercising God-given energy, investing their time, moment by moment and day after day, in the activities of building a life that is fulfilling and meaningful.  In effect, they are living out the created order itself.  God designed us to be, in his image, persons who use their hearts, minds, souls, and strength to create and invest themselves in producing life.  They build relationships and use their talents and abilities to achieve things, and God wants to do the same.  He wants us to be active toward life, not passive. 

"Happy people are active, not passive, in their pursuit of life. If you look at some to of the activities that research has proven produces happiness, you'll see that it takes effort and investment.  For example, happy people invest their time:

* Building deep relationships and community:  they belong to support groups, participate in Bible studies, or have structured times of getting together with friends and family and nurturing those relationships.

* Being involved in growth activities: they see a coach or a counselor or attend some kind of growth group.

* Pursuing goals: they have physical, financial, vocational, avocational, or other goals they're working toward.

* Serving others: they have found meaningful ways to spiritual activities, such as prayer, meditation, Bible study, retreats, and so forth.

* Exercising and staying healthy: they have some sort of routine that they follow to stay active and pursue a healthy lifestyle.

* Practicing gratitude: they regularly express gratitude to God and others.

* Pursuing activities they love: they find their passions and pursue them.

* Stretching themselves: they look for activities and goals that push them to be all they can be.

* Resolving pain and conflicts: whether in relationships or in their own souls, happy people do not avoid problems but do what is necessary to heal them." - Henry Cloud in The Law of Happiness

Our attitude and behaviors can and do effect our happiness.  We must be proactive in our happiness pursuing. 

Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado.  She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928

Teenage can do

"The word teenager has been around for less than seventy years.

"Prior to the early twentieth century and, really, throughout history, people were either children or adults.  Family and work work were the primary occupations of the group we now call teenagers.  In fact, in 1900 only one out of ten American young people between fourteen and seventeen years old attended high school....

"So what was it like to be a teen back then, before the idea of teens even existed?  Good question.  To answer it, we'd like to introduce you to three young people from different times in America's past.  Their names are George, David, and Clara.

"George was born in northern Virginia in 1732 to a middle-class family.  When he was eleven years old, he lost his father.  Even though his peers never considered him very bright, he applied himself to his studies and mastered geometry, trigonometry, and surveying (think algebra and calculus) by the time he was sixteen.

"At seventeen years old, George had the chance to put his studies to use at his first job.  Talk about a job!  Official surveyor of Culpeper County, Virginia.  This wasn't a boy's job, and it certainly wasn't office work.  For the next three years George endured the hardships of frontier life as he measured and recorded previously unmapped territories.  His measuring tools were heavy logs and chains.  George was a man at seventeen.

"David was born in 1801 near the city of Knoxville, Tennessee, where his father was serving in the state militia.  At ten years old, David was given command of a ship that has been captured in battle and was dispatched with a crew to take the vessel and its men back to the United States.  On the journey home, the captured British captain took issue at being ordered around by a twelve-year-old and announced that he was going below to get his pistols. (out of respect for his position, he had been allowed to keep them).  David promptly sent him word that if he stepped foot on deck with his pistols, he would be shot and thrown overboard.  The captain decided to stay below.

"Clara was born in Oxford, Massachusetts, on Christmas Day, 1821.  She was the baby of the family, with ten years separating hew and the next youngest.  She was a timid child, so terrified of strangers that she was hardly about to speak.  Then something happened that would change her life forever.  When she was eleven years old, her older brother David fell from the roof of a barn and was seriously injured.  Young Clara was frantic and begged to help care for him.

"Once in the sickroom, Clara surprised everyone by demonstrating all the qualities of an experienced nurse.  She learned better than anyone how to make her brother comfortable.  Little by little, the doctor allowed her to take over all of his care, with his complete recovery lasting two years.

"A year later, at the age of fourteen, Clara became the nurse for her father's hired man, who had come down with small-pox, and then to more patients as the epidemic spread through the Massachusetts village where she lived.  Still shy and timid, her desire to serve others drove her to overcome her fears.  By age seventeen she was a successful schoolteacher with over forty students--some nearly as old as she.

"All three of these young people were given increasing levels of responsibility at early ages, and they not only survived, they rose to the occasion.  Even more important, as the quote we shared from Professor Heer shows, at the time in which they lived, young men and women like them were not all that unusual." - Alex & Brett Harris in Do Hard Things

I don't believe that teenagers need to be working too hard and not being in school, but they need to be encouraged to go have passions that they can explore more than the latest fads.  We need to raise their expectations of what they can do in these productive learning years.  Letting them explore what they can do rather than keeping them down in the "teenager" expectation.

Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado.  She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928