"During the initial phase of a relationship, partners may give clues
about their basic predilections with regard to physical proximity,
emotional intimacy, and concerns regarding safety and security. But it
is only when the relationship becomes permanent in either or both
partners' mind that these predilections really come to life.
"Much
of what we do, we do automatically and without thinking. This is
largely the work of our primitives. In relationships, one of the things
partners typically are unaware of is how they physically move toward
and away from each other. Our brain's reaction to physically move
toward and away from each other. Our brain's reaction to physical
proximity and duration of proximity is wired from early childhood, and
influences such things as where we choose to stand or sit in relation to
one another, how we adjust distance between us, how embrace, how we
make love, and just about everything we do that involves physical
movement and static physical space. because we operate largely on
automatic pilot, we remain oblivious to this entire dimension of our
interactions. Moreover, we handle physical proximity differently during
courtship than in more committed phases of relationship. For example,
many couples touch constantly while they're dating, but the frequency
with which they touch drops off dramatically after they make a
commitment. This can be very confusing, and can lead partners to
wonder, "Do I even know who you are anymore?" - Stan Tatkin, Psy.D. in Wired for Love
The
beginning of relationship we are aware of how we want to be together.
When the relationship gets permanent then our old patterns become more
prominent.
Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado. She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928
Sunday, March 31, 2013
Saturday, March 30, 2013
Rules help us
Rules provide structure, preparing us for encounters with tempting stimuli.
Rules become more automatic than the appetites they are deflecting.
Some of us have good habits and some of us have bad habits.
Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado. She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928
Friday, March 29, 2013
Couple Therapy
"What I learned confirmed Bowlby's message that patterns of relating
created by attachment, separation, and loss during the first few years
of life become fixed and impact all future relationships. It also
confirmed that couples' narratives (i.e. their presenting problems) are
the logical products of the cortex playing catch-up with the emotional
part of the brain. The limbic system reacts almost instantaneously.
This understanding supports the view that couple therapy should
concentrate not on the espoused content of the partners' conflict but
rather on their underlying core dynamics.
"Dr Walter Bracelmanns, who was developing his own integration of couple therapy. I thank him for the support that he gave to the new idea that the focus of the work is the relationship, not the growth of the individual self of each partner." - Marion Solomon in Love and War in Intimate Relationships
Couple therapy theories vary greatly. So many different types of therapies for couples can be confusing. Marion Solomon's focus is the couple and getting the coupleship to work.
Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado. She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928
"Dr Walter Bracelmanns, who was developing his own integration of couple therapy. I thank him for the support that he gave to the new idea that the focus of the work is the relationship, not the growth of the individual self of each partner." - Marion Solomon in Love and War in Intimate Relationships
Couple therapy theories vary greatly. So many different types of therapies for couples can be confusing. Marion Solomon's focus is the couple and getting the coupleship to work.
Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado. She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928
Adult Attachment
"We now understand the role of secure attachments in the promotion of
mature development, self-confidence, and autonomy (Feeney, 2007), the
origin and the impact of insecure attachment orientations, and the
importance of both to intimate partnerships. And we now know that the
lack of secure attachment bonds early in life does not condemn one to a
lifetime of unhappy relationships (Byng-Hall 1999); it is possible to
earn security over time via new, reparative relationships (Main, 2003).
..."The psychobiological model, developed by Stan Tatkin, is rooted in the perception introduced by Marion Solomon 15 years ago (Lean on Me: The Power of Positive Dependence in Intimate Relationships) that each partner in an adult primary attachment relationship must learn to be the other's secure base (Solomon, 1984, 1994).
..."insecure attachment patterns evident even in the glow of new relationship can turn love into war. Key moments of emotional connection spark negative cycles that can take over the partners' behavior and communication." - Marion Soloman and Stan Tatkin in Love and War in Intimate Relationships
There is hope for couples that are seemingly always at war and for those who have had rough relationships. This is not an easy process. Becoming a secure base for each other takes concerted effort.
Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado. She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928
..."The psychobiological model, developed by Stan Tatkin, is rooted in the perception introduced by Marion Solomon 15 years ago (Lean on Me: The Power of Positive Dependence in Intimate Relationships) that each partner in an adult primary attachment relationship must learn to be the other's secure base (Solomon, 1984, 1994).
..."insecure attachment patterns evident even in the glow of new relationship can turn love into war. Key moments of emotional connection spark negative cycles that can take over the partners' behavior and communication." - Marion Soloman and Stan Tatkin in Love and War in Intimate Relationships
There is hope for couples that are seemingly always at war and for those who have had rough relationships. This is not an easy process. Becoming a secure base for each other takes concerted effort.
Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado. She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
The New Old
"A movement known as the new old age is sweeping society. The social
norm for the elderly used to be passive and grim; consigned to rocking
chairs, they were expected to enter physical and mental decline. Now
the reverse is true. Older people have higher expectations that they
will remain active and vital. As a result, the definition of old age
has shifted. A survey asked a sample of baby boomers 'When does old age
begin?' The average answer was 85. As expectations rise, clearly the
brain must keep pace and accommodate the new old age. The old theory of
the fixed and stagnant brain held that an aging brain was inevitable.
Supposedly brain cells died continuously over time as a person aged, and
their loss was irreversible.
"Now we understand how flexible and dynamic the brain is, the inevitability of cell loss is not longer valid. In the aging process--which progresses at about 1 percent a year after the age of thirty--no two people age alike. Even identical twins, born with the same genes, will have very different patterns of gene activity at age seventy, and their bodies can be dramatically different as a result of lifestyle choices. Such choices didn't add or subtract from the genes they were born with; rather, almost every aspect of life--diet, activity, stress, relationships, work, and the physical environment--changed the activity of those genes. Indeed, no single aspect of aging is inevitable. For any function, mental or physical, you can find people who improve over time. There are ninety-year-old stockbrokers who conduct complex transactions with memories that have improved over time.
"The problem is that too many of us adhere to the norm. As we get older, we tend to get lazy and apathetic about learning. It takes smaller stresses to upset us, and these stresses linger for a longer time. What used to be dismissed as an elderly person's 'being set in his ways' can now be traced to the mind-brain connection. Sometimes the brain is dominant in this partnership. Suppose a restaurant is behind in seating its patrons who have reservations. A younger person who must stand in line feels mild annoyance, but it dissipates once he is seated. An older person may react with a flash of anger--and remain resentful even after he has been seated. This is the difference in the physical stress response that the brain is responsible for. Likewise, when older people get overwhelmed by too much sensory input (a noisy traffic jam, a crowded department store), their brains are probably exhibiting diminished function to take in tidal waves of data from the busy world.
"Much of the time, however, the mind dominates the mind-brain connection. As we get older, we tend to simplify our mental activities, often as a defense mechanism or security blanket. We feel secure with what we know, and we go out of our way to avoid learning anything new. The behavior strikes younger people as irritability and stubbornness, but the real cause can be traced to the dance between mind and brain. For many but not all older people, the music slows down. What's most important is they not walk off the dance floor--which would pave the way for decline of both mind and brain. Instead of your brain making new synapses, it keeps hardwiring the ones you already have. In this downward spiral of mental activity, the aged person will eventually have fewer dendrites and synapses per neuron in the cerebral cortex." - Deepak Chopra, M.D. and Rudolph E. Tanzi, Ph.D. in Super Brain.
To keep a young brain, one that is growing, we must keep learning and doing new things. We need to calm down when we get stressed. This way we can have the new old brain and life.
Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado. She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928
"Now we understand how flexible and dynamic the brain is, the inevitability of cell loss is not longer valid. In the aging process--which progresses at about 1 percent a year after the age of thirty--no two people age alike. Even identical twins, born with the same genes, will have very different patterns of gene activity at age seventy, and their bodies can be dramatically different as a result of lifestyle choices. Such choices didn't add or subtract from the genes they were born with; rather, almost every aspect of life--diet, activity, stress, relationships, work, and the physical environment--changed the activity of those genes. Indeed, no single aspect of aging is inevitable. For any function, mental or physical, you can find people who improve over time. There are ninety-year-old stockbrokers who conduct complex transactions with memories that have improved over time.
"The problem is that too many of us adhere to the norm. As we get older, we tend to get lazy and apathetic about learning. It takes smaller stresses to upset us, and these stresses linger for a longer time. What used to be dismissed as an elderly person's 'being set in his ways' can now be traced to the mind-brain connection. Sometimes the brain is dominant in this partnership. Suppose a restaurant is behind in seating its patrons who have reservations. A younger person who must stand in line feels mild annoyance, but it dissipates once he is seated. An older person may react with a flash of anger--and remain resentful even after he has been seated. This is the difference in the physical stress response that the brain is responsible for. Likewise, when older people get overwhelmed by too much sensory input (a noisy traffic jam, a crowded department store), their brains are probably exhibiting diminished function to take in tidal waves of data from the busy world.
"Much of the time, however, the mind dominates the mind-brain connection. As we get older, we tend to simplify our mental activities, often as a defense mechanism or security blanket. We feel secure with what we know, and we go out of our way to avoid learning anything new. The behavior strikes younger people as irritability and stubbornness, but the real cause can be traced to the dance between mind and brain. For many but not all older people, the music slows down. What's most important is they not walk off the dance floor--which would pave the way for decline of both mind and brain. Instead of your brain making new synapses, it keeps hardwiring the ones you already have. In this downward spiral of mental activity, the aged person will eventually have fewer dendrites and synapses per neuron in the cerebral cortex." - Deepak Chopra, M.D. and Rudolph E. Tanzi, Ph.D. in Super Brain.
To keep a young brain, one that is growing, we must keep learning and doing new things. We need to calm down when we get stressed. This way we can have the new old brain and life.
Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado. She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928
Monday, March 25, 2013
Mind into Matter
"Your brain is remodeling itself right now. It doesn't take an
injury to trigger the process--being alive is enough. You can promote
neuroplasticity, moreover, by exposing yourself to new experiences.
Even better is to deliberately set out to learn new skills. If you show
passion and enthusiasm, all the better. The simple step of giving an
older person a pet to take care of instills more willingness to live.
The fact that the brain is being affected makes a difference, but we
need to remember that neurons are servants. The dissecting knife
reveals changes at the level of nerve projections and genes. What
really invigorates an older person, though, is acquiring a new purpose
and something new to love.
"Neuroplasticity is better than mind over matter. It's mind turning into matter as your thought create new neural growth. In the early days, the phenomenon was scoffed at and neuroscientists were belittled for using the term neuroplasticity. Still, many new concepts that will likely be seminal and mainstreams decades from now are today judged meaningless and useless. Neuroplasticity overcame a rough start to become a star." - Deepak Chopra, M.D. and Rudolph E. Tanzi, Ph.D. in Super Brain
Mind into matter, creating new neural growth especially as learn new skills.
Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado. She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928
"Neuroplasticity is better than mind over matter. It's mind turning into matter as your thought create new neural growth. In the early days, the phenomenon was scoffed at and neuroscientists were belittled for using the term neuroplasticity. Still, many new concepts that will likely be seminal and mainstreams decades from now are today judged meaningless and useless. Neuroplasticity overcame a rough start to become a star." - Deepak Chopra, M.D. and Rudolph E. Tanzi, Ph.D. in Super Brain
Mind into matter, creating new neural growth especially as learn new skills.
Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado. She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928
Brain Myths
"Five myths in particular have proved limiting, and obstructive to
change. All were once accepted as fact, even a decade or two ago.
[Myth 1:] "The injured brain cannot heal itself. Now we know that the brain has amazing powers of healing unsuspected in the past.
[Myth 2:] "The brain's hardwiring cannot be changed. In fact, the line between hard and soft wiring is shifting all the time, and our ability to rewire our brains remains intact from birth to the end of life.
[Myth 3:] "Aging in the brain is inevitable and irreversible. To counter this outmoded belief, new techniques for keeping the brain youthful and retaining mental acuity are arising every day.
[Myth 4:] "The brain loses millions of cells a day, and lost brain cells cannot be replaced. In fact the brain contains stem cells that are capable of maturing into new brain cells throughout life. How we lose or gain brain cells is a complex issue. Most of the findings are good news for everyone who is afraid of losing mental capacity as they age.
[Myth 5:] "Primitive reactions (fear, anger, jealousy, aggression) overrule the higher brain. Because our brains are imprinted with genetic memory over thousands of generations, the lower brain is still with us, generating primitive and often negative drives like fear and anger. But the brain is constantly evolving, and we have gained the ability to master the lower brain through choice and free will. The new field of positive psychology is teaching us how best to use free will to promote happiness and overcome negativity.
"It's good news that these five myths have been exploded. The old view made the brain seem fixed, mechanical, and steadily deteriorating. This turns out to be far from the case. You are creating reality at this very minute, and if that process remains alive and dynamic, your brain will be able to keep up with it, year after year." - Deepak Chopra, M.D. and Rudolph E. Tanzi, Ph.D. in Super Brain
It is encouraging and enlightening that the brain's old myths are not true. It is easy now to be an optimist about how our brains can change for the better.
Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado. She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928
[Myth 1:] "The injured brain cannot heal itself. Now we know that the brain has amazing powers of healing unsuspected in the past.
[Myth 2:] "The brain's hardwiring cannot be changed. In fact, the line between hard and soft wiring is shifting all the time, and our ability to rewire our brains remains intact from birth to the end of life.
[Myth 3:] "Aging in the brain is inevitable and irreversible. To counter this outmoded belief, new techniques for keeping the brain youthful and retaining mental acuity are arising every day.
[Myth 4:] "The brain loses millions of cells a day, and lost brain cells cannot be replaced. In fact the brain contains stem cells that are capable of maturing into new brain cells throughout life. How we lose or gain brain cells is a complex issue. Most of the findings are good news for everyone who is afraid of losing mental capacity as they age.
[Myth 5:] "Primitive reactions (fear, anger, jealousy, aggression) overrule the higher brain. Because our brains are imprinted with genetic memory over thousands of generations, the lower brain is still with us, generating primitive and often negative drives like fear and anger. But the brain is constantly evolving, and we have gained the ability to master the lower brain through choice and free will. The new field of positive psychology is teaching us how best to use free will to promote happiness and overcome negativity.
"It's good news that these five myths have been exploded. The old view made the brain seem fixed, mechanical, and steadily deteriorating. This turns out to be far from the case. You are creating reality at this very minute, and if that process remains alive and dynamic, your brain will be able to keep up with it, year after year." - Deepak Chopra, M.D. and Rudolph E. Tanzi, Ph.D. in Super Brain
It is encouraging and enlightening that the brain's old myths are not true. It is easy now to be an optimist about how our brains can change for the better.
Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado. She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928
Retrain Brain
"Consider stroke victims. Medical science has made huge advances in
patient survival after even massive stokes, some of which can be
attributed to better medications and to the upsurge of trauma units,
since stokes are ideally dealt with as soon as possible. Quick
treatment is saving countless lives, compared to the past.
"But survival isn't the same as recovery. No drugs show comparable success in allowing victims to recover from paralysis, the most common effect of a stroke. ...with stroke patients everything seems to depend on feedback. In the past they mostly sat in a chair with medical attention, and their course of least resistance was to use the side of the body that was unaffected by their stroke. Now rehabilitation activly takes the course of most resistance. If a patient's left hand is paralyzed, for example, the therapist will have her use only that hand to pick up a coffee cup or comb her hair.
"At first these tasks are physically impossible. Even barely raising a paralyzed hand causes pain and frustration. But if the patient repeats the intention to use the bad hand, over and over, new feedback loops develop. The brain adapts, and slowly there is a new function. We now see remarkable recoveries in patients who walk, talk, and use their limbs normally with intensive rehab. Even twenty years ago these functions would have shown only minor improvements.
"And all we have done so far is to explore the implications of two worlds.
"The super brain credo bridges two worlds, biology and experience. Biology is great at explaining physical processes, but it is totally inadequate at telling us about the meaning and purpose of our subjective experience. ...We need both worlds to understand ourselves. Otherwise, we fall into the biology fallacy, which holds that humans are controlled by their brains. Leaving aside countless arguments between various theories of mind and brain, the goal is clear: We want to use our brains, not have them use us." Deepak Chopra, M.D. and Rudolph E. Tanzi, Ph.D. in Super Brain
It is exciting to know that we can retrain our brain and body when there is damage. Stroke victims are just one avenue that holds out hope for a brighter future.
Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado. She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928
"But survival isn't the same as recovery. No drugs show comparable success in allowing victims to recover from paralysis, the most common effect of a stroke. ...with stroke patients everything seems to depend on feedback. In the past they mostly sat in a chair with medical attention, and their course of least resistance was to use the side of the body that was unaffected by their stroke. Now rehabilitation activly takes the course of most resistance. If a patient's left hand is paralyzed, for example, the therapist will have her use only that hand to pick up a coffee cup or comb her hair.
"At first these tasks are physically impossible. Even barely raising a paralyzed hand causes pain and frustration. But if the patient repeats the intention to use the bad hand, over and over, new feedback loops develop. The brain adapts, and slowly there is a new function. We now see remarkable recoveries in patients who walk, talk, and use their limbs normally with intensive rehab. Even twenty years ago these functions would have shown only minor improvements.
"And all we have done so far is to explore the implications of two worlds.
"The super brain credo bridges two worlds, biology and experience. Biology is great at explaining physical processes, but it is totally inadequate at telling us about the meaning and purpose of our subjective experience. ...We need both worlds to understand ourselves. Otherwise, we fall into the biology fallacy, which holds that humans are controlled by their brains. Leaving aside countless arguments between various theories of mind and brain, the goal is clear: We want to use our brains, not have them use us." Deepak Chopra, M.D. and Rudolph E. Tanzi, Ph.D. in Super Brain
It is exciting to know that we can retrain our brain and body when there is damage. Stroke victims are just one avenue that holds out hope for a brighter future.
Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado. She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928
Addicted too?
"Many women [and men] who love too much also eat too much or spend
too much. Addictions aren't discrete entities; they overlap in their
physical and emotional roots. In fact, recovery from one addiction may
actually cause another addiction to accelerate.
"Fortunately, the same steps for recovery apply equally well to all addictions." - Robin Norwood in Daily Meditations for Women Who Love Too Much
Many codependents of addicts find that their co-addiction is also an addiction. Enabling behaviors that are hurtful for one person is hurtful for the other.
Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado. She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928
"Fortunately, the same steps for recovery apply equally well to all addictions." - Robin Norwood in Daily Meditations for Women Who Love Too Much
Many codependents of addicts find that their co-addiction is also an addiction. Enabling behaviors that are hurtful for one person is hurtful for the other.
Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado. She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928
Albert Einstein's Brain
"When Albert Einstein died in 1955 at the age of seventy-six, there
was tremendous curiosity about the most famous brain of the twentieth
century. Assuming that something physical must have created such
genius, an autopsy what performed on Einstein's brain. Defying
expectations that big thoughts required a big brain, Einstein's brain
actually weighed 10 percent less than the average brain.
..."Super brain rests on the credo of connecting the mind and brain in a new way. It's not the physical side that makes the crucial difference. It''s a person's resolve, intention, patience, hope, and diligence. These are all the a matter of how the mind relates to the brain, for better or worse. We can summarize the relationship in ten principles.
"Super Brain Credo- How the mind relates to the brain:
1. The process always involves feedback loop.
2. These feedback loops are intelligent and adaptable.
3. The dynamics of the brain go in and out of balance but always favor overall balance, known as homeostasis.
4. We use our brains to evolve and develop, guided by our intentions.
5. Self-reflection pushes us forward into unknown territory.
6. Many diverse areas of the brain are coordinated simultaneously.
7. We have the capacity to monitor many leven of awareness, even though our focus is generally confined to one level (i.e., waking, sleeping or dreaming).
8. All qualities of the known world, such as sight, sound, texture, and taste, are created mysteriously by the interaction of mind and brain.
9. Mind, not the brain, is the origin of consciousness.
10. Only consciousness can understand consciousness. No mechanical explanation, working from facts about the brain, suffices." - Deepak Chopra, M.D. and Rudolph E. Tanzi, Ph.D. in Super Brain
So many theories and new information about the brain are coming out in the past few years. What was thought as the best predictor of intelligence, like a big brain, are no longer viable. I find reading different authors on the subject most intriguing.
Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado. She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928
..."Super brain rests on the credo of connecting the mind and brain in a new way. It's not the physical side that makes the crucial difference. It''s a person's resolve, intention, patience, hope, and diligence. These are all the a matter of how the mind relates to the brain, for better or worse. We can summarize the relationship in ten principles.
"Super Brain Credo- How the mind relates to the brain:
1. The process always involves feedback loop.
2. These feedback loops are intelligent and adaptable.
3. The dynamics of the brain go in and out of balance but always favor overall balance, known as homeostasis.
4. We use our brains to evolve and develop, guided by our intentions.
5. Self-reflection pushes us forward into unknown territory.
6. Many diverse areas of the brain are coordinated simultaneously.
7. We have the capacity to monitor many leven of awareness, even though our focus is generally confined to one level (i.e., waking, sleeping or dreaming).
8. All qualities of the known world, such as sight, sound, texture, and taste, are created mysteriously by the interaction of mind and brain.
9. Mind, not the brain, is the origin of consciousness.
10. Only consciousness can understand consciousness. No mechanical explanation, working from facts about the brain, suffices." - Deepak Chopra, M.D. and Rudolph E. Tanzi, Ph.D. in Super Brain
So many theories and new information about the brain are coming out in the past few years. What was thought as the best predictor of intelligence, like a big brain, are no longer viable. I find reading different authors on the subject most intriguing.
Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado. She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928
Friday, March 22, 2013
Sex Addiction Recovery
Sex Addiction Recovery:
by Thomas Olschner, Ph.D., The Intimacy Center, Westminster, Colorado
The
first step: you call for help. You may be in one of the most painful
crises of your life. Or you might be calling because your wife thinks
you have a problem…and you’re not at all sure that you do. Whatever
circumstances led you here, you are wanting to figure out your sexual
behavior and what you can do about it.This article is designed to give you some information about what lies ahead for you. At The Intimacy Center we believe that each person’s journey is a unique one but that the commonalities among our journeys make us a resource for each other. With a willingness to be honest with yourself and others you can deepen your understanding of what has gone wrong in your life and gain tools to improve it.
How Do I Get Started?
At The Intimacy Center we start with a 3-Step process:
- initial session
- assessment and development of a treatment plan
- treatment
The initial session should accomplish the following:
- For you to tell "your story" and explain what you are wanting to accomplish through therapy
- That
the therapist summarizes well what the client(s) have expressed and to
give an initial description of how therapy could be helpful
- For the client to assess whether it "feels" like a good fit between client and therapist
- For the therapist to describe the components of an assessment process
The basic list of written questionnaires is:
-Intake Questionnaire (gives information on presenting problems, family background, symptom checklist, etc.)
-Millon Clinical Multiaxial Inventory – III (MCMI-III) (This is a personality test that gives us information about problematic interpersonal patterns
you may have.)
-Sexual Dependency Inventory (gives the therapist a thorough history of the out-of-control sexual behavior
Additional assessment devices might be used to clarify other clinical problems such as depression and anxiety. Typically, the written questionnaires are returned and scored prior to the second session. When the assessment is complete the therapist will then meet with the client and present the treatment plan. The treatment plan will include recommendations for specific treatment disciplines that the client will carry out.
3. Treatment
The first task of treatment is to develop a personal recovery plan; at The Intimacy Center the client fills out the Relapse Prevention Plan which is his/her ongoing plan for recovery work and plan for maintaining sexual sobriety. The five components of the Relapse Prevention Plan are: clarifying sexual behaviors which are a break in sexual sobriety (called "bottom line behaviors"), goals for self-nurture, regular treatment disciplines, plans for managing likely sex addiction triggers (Risk Situations), and devising a plan to interrupt any urges to act out sexually (Escape Plan).
Recovery from any addictive problem is always a multi-faceted endeavor. Individual therapy is never sufficient: "it takes a system to change a system." Clients are urged to find a good 12-Step recovery group. Many clients enter a sexual addiction psychotherapy group fairly early in recovery. Many clients need marital therapy to deal with pain and crisis in their marriage.
What Does Recovery Take?
"I have a problem. What is it going to take to get better?"
Initially recovery takes:
- A willingness to do the work of recovery
- A willingness to work at stopping the self-destructive behavior
- A guide (this could be your therapist and/or a sponsor in a 12-Step program)
- Exposure to new ways of looking at yourself (reading books, listening to other people’s experience of you)
- A
group of people traveling in the same direction. This could be a
12-Step group for sex addiction or a psychotherapy group (for sex addiction) or both.
- A
deepening spiritual life. Sex addiction says, "I can go it alone."
Spirituality is about experiencing God. It is about addressing the
"ultimate questions": Why am I here? What should my life be about? Deep self-reflection.
- Learning new ways to nurture yourself.
- Learning
healthier ways of relating. This is about true intimacy: heart-to-heart
relating. A client recently told me: "Life minus love equals zero."
- Healing from painful memories.
So what should you do for your partner? First, quit lying. If you’re not ready to make a full disclosure (see below) then tell your partner you’re not yet ready to tell her the whole story and brace yourself for more anger. But don’t lie and say, "That is everything" when it is not. Second, take responsibility for your actions.
Don’t blame her, your lost job, or anything else. If you have a serious problem that has been around for a long time, acknowledge it as that. Third, listen to her pain. Let her cry. Validate that what she is feeling is a normal reaction. This doesn’t mean that you have to tolerate her abusing you out of her anger. You can ask for a Time Out. Fourth, tell her that you will get help and do the work of getting better. Then do it.
Couples in crisis benefit from therapy to help them move constructively through it. A therapist can help you express your feelings and needs in positive ways and to make plans for reestablishing the trust in the relationship.
If you are in the situation where your partner "doesn’t know" about your out-of-control sexual behavior then the relationship may not be in crisis…but you are in a pickle. You will soon realize that attempting recovery while keeping your partner completely in the dark is a very difficult proposition. It would be like attempting a house remodel without your partner finding out about it. Or perhaps you can pull it off for a while because your marriage is so distant that she is used to not knowing what is going on in your life. You may fear that if you tell her about your sexual problems that she will leave you. Your therapist can help you assess this predicament and make a plan for moving forward.
A Few Words to the Partner
There are few things more painful than sexual betrayal. It is also likely that the experience of being lied to is more painful than the sexual betrayal. You may be feeling like your world is upside-down. This man that you put your trust in, that you’ve invested your life in, has betrayed you. It may be a betrayal with another woman (or man) or it may be the betrayal of his "preferring" women in porn or on a phone-sex line. The pain is the same.
You may be wondering if you are a fool to try to save this relationship. Or you may be clear that you’ll do anything you can to save it. For sure, you know that some very big changes need to be made. And it goes beyond stopping the out-of-bounds sexual behavior. It is likely that there are huge intimacy gaps in your marriage. You probably long for an emotional connection that hasn’t been there for a very long time.
You wonder whether you can ever trust this man again and whether you would be a fool to trust him. You may be so angry that you’ve gone over the line and become abusive. You may feel that there is no one in your world who can really understand what you are going through. This isn’t the typical topic of conversation with friends at Starbucks.
Here are a few suggestions:
First, get support for yourself. Meeting with a therapist who can help you make sense of your feelings and needs is often a good place to start.
Second, remind yourself that your partner’s sexual problems are not a condemnation of your self-worth or sexual attractiveness. He has a problem with fleeing into objectified sexuality to meet non-sexual needs. Reality can't compete with fantasy, nor should it ever try to do so. Your feelings of rejection are real. But it is not because you don't measure up. He has a problem. Of course, this doesn't mean that you are perfect. No doubt, you do things in the relationship that aren't very loving and cause your partner additional stress and pain. But your partner's acting out is not about you.
Third, get more support for yourself. You need a group where your pain and struggles can be understood. CoSA and S-Anon are two 12-Step fellowships for partners of sex addicts. You might find tremendous support there. A psychotherapy group for partner’s in your situation can be a safe place to learn about what you are going through and what you can do about it.
Fourth, assert that your partner do three things to address his sexual problem:
To develop a Recovery Plan that has the approval of an expert in sex addiction and then give you a copy of that plan
To vigorously work that plan
To touch base with you regularly about his efforts to work that plan
This will be the basis for your rebuilding trust. Words are cheap. Actions cannot be faked. You don’t have to worry about what you don’t know (what is he doing when you’re not around) when you have evidence of his growth when you are around.
Fifth, be willing to work on yourself. All of us are on a journey. View this as an opportunity to grow and learn new ways of relating. The healthier you get the stronger will be the pressure on your partner to do his work.
Sixth, ask for some conjoint marital sessions when you need help in negotiating through this crisis. You may need assistance to express your anger and hurt in constructive ways, to negotiate boundaries that increase your sense of safety, and to secure an agreement of how each of you will be working on your recovery.
Working at "deepening" the relationship will need to come later when some trust has been restored.
What about 12-Step Groups?
More people have recovered from alcoholism through working the 12 Steps of AA than from any other approach. Currently there are well over 50 weekly 12 Step meetings along the Front Range of Colorado that address sexual addiction problems. Some of these are for partners of sex addicts and some are for couples. These groups have helped thousands of people maintain sexual sobriety and to recover from their sex addictive problems.
There are three primary 12 Step "fellowships" for recovery from sex addiction: SA, SAA, and SLAA. Sexaholics Anonymous (SA) is a fellowship primarily for married men and other men with a more traditional value system regarding sexuality. The focus of the work is on recovery from "lust" and the fellowship has a set sexual sobriety definition: sex only between married people. Some SA groups have a strong spiritual focus. Sex Addicts Anonymous (SAA) has a broader range of participants and encourages each participant to define his/her own sexual sobriety. It is more common for there to be a few women in SAA groups than in SA groups. Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA) includes men and women recovering from "love addiction" (relationship addictions and romance addictions). These groups are often evenly split between the genders.
For partners of sex addicts there are two fellowships in Colorado: CoSA (Codependents of Sex Addicts) and S-Anon (loosely affiliated with SA).
Recovering Couples Anonymous (RCA) is a safe place for couples to get support for their relationships as they journey through recovery. Most RCA groups are made up only of couples dealing with sex addiction.
Up-to-date info on 12 Step meetings can be found at: coloradoservicegroup.org/meetings.htm
What Is Group Therapy About?
Anywhere in the world that you find people recovering from addictive problems you will find them meeting in groups. There are several advantages to group work: a group offers a place to figure out and change your dysfunctional patterns of relating; a group offers you a variety of perspectives through which to understand your problems; a person in recovery needs friends to support his/her recovery; and group therapy is cheaper.
Sex addiction is, at its core, an intimacy disorder. The sexual acting out is mostly a symptom of reaching out for a (fantacized) connection because of the loneliness caused by isolation. We live in a society of commuting alone to work, "professional relationships", electric garage door openers, and privacy fences.
We can go a whole day without a conversation below the surface. We live our lives of "quiet desperation." We become lonely. Men attempt to get all their relational needs met by their wives but without the intimacy skills to even make that relationship an emotionally connecting one.
The psychotherapy groups for sex addiction have two areas of focus: (1) on understanding ones sexual addictive patterns and learning tools for gaining sexual sobriety and (2) understanding ones dysfunctional relationship patterns and changing them.
Two things specifically help group members develop community: a required "community group" (which meets without the therapist for 45 minutes or more after the psychotherapy group) and twice-weekly phone calls to a "phone partner." The therapy group becomes a "microcosm" of ones life, i.e. one replicates ones typical relationships in the group. The intimacy disorder comes to life. As the patterns are identified and the choices clarified group members take steps to grow true friendships, sometimes becoming the deepest friendships of their life.
What If I’m Not a Religious Person?
Religion is about developing practices that attempt to sustain a spiritual life. Spirituality is the awareness of what is beyond ourselves. At The Intimacy Center we believe that every human being is a spiritual being. But we respect each individual person’s spiritual journey. While we are coming from a Christian spiritual experience we believe that every client has a spiritual experience that is worth expressing and a spiritual purpose that is worth being explored. We attempt to create a safety in groups that allow people to explore the important questions of life such as: "Why am I here?" and "What do I want to accomplish with my life?"
Do I Have To Tell My Partner Everything?
The fortunate folks are the ones who have already "come clean" and have experienced a grace and love that says, "I want to work this through." If you are asking this question then you probably have some secrets that you are afraid of revealing. Perhaps, your wife has discovered your sexual chat but you haven’t revealed that you’ve actually met up with women sexually. Or you’ve been caught in an affair but haven’t disclosed that there were two others. Ultimately, it will be very
difficult to build a healthy relationship on top of a deception of who you are. You will hold onto the shame that says, "If she really knew me she’d leave me." We believe that every person deserves loving relationships in which he/she is completely known, and still loved. Warts and all. If you don’t "tell all" that you are you will never experience true acceptance.
This doesn't mean that you need to tell every detail of your sexual misbehavior. In fact, there are many details that your partner may ask you for that you should lovingly decline to answer. These details will probably only plague your partner unnecessarily.
Your partner needs to know if you have participated in any sexual practices that present a health risk to her/him. Your partner also needs to know about any sexual behavior with people whom they know. Your partner will need to gain a clear picture of your sex addiction, what triggers you, how you’ve lied and hid, and steps you’re taking to recover.
The most damage is done by a "step-wise" disclosure, that is, telling your partner part of the story and saying that "that is all" only to reveal another part later. Each disclosure makes it more difficult to rebuild trust. It is far better to say, "I am committed to telling you the whole story but I’m not ready now. I’m not even sure yet what is helpful to tell you and what is unnecessary detail. This is what I can tell you now."
Make a distinction in your mind between honesty and transparency. Commit yourself to absolute honesty: there is no place for lies. But that doesn’t mean that you have to be 100% transparent: you can have thoughts that you choose not to reveal. It is more loving not to reveal certain thoughts. For example, if you have a dream one night of making passionate love to an old girlfriend it may not be helpful to your wife to hear about it. The goal is to have enough transparency to be well-known by your partner.
It is also important to do a disclosure in ways that are respectful of your partner’s needs; for example, at a time when she/he has time to process it. Blurting out a confession in the heat of an angry argument is likely to do as much harm as good. For helpful ideas on preparing for a disclosure read Disclosing Secrets by Corley and Schneider. Some disclosures result in divorce. Most do not. Each person must decide when the time is right.
Even though your healthy recovery depends on a full disclosure to your partner that doesn’t mean your life should be an open book to everyone you know. It is better to select carefully the people who can be trusted with a disclosure
What Do I Do First?
- Complete the assessment questionnaires
- Complete the Relapse Prevention Plan and review with your therapist
- Start working your Relapse Prevention Plan
Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado. She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928
Who Am I?
"I am not what has happened to me but am what I am going to become." - Carl Jung
I like this quote, it offers hope. It is important to keep working to become a better person. To keep making healthier choices for yourself will in the end make your life healthier after a time.
Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado. She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928
I like this quote, it offers hope. It is important to keep working to become a better person. To keep making healthier choices for yourself will in the end make your life healthier after a time.
Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado. She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
Working Brain's Primitives and Ambassadors
“Identifying your primitives in action helps to hold them in check.
Now that you know who your primitives are and how they operate, see if
you can catch them in the act. When a red alert is going off, for
example, can you recognize it for what is? I’m not suggesting you will
automatically know how to instantly turn it off. First simply recognize
that your amygdalae are sounding an alarm. This alarm may take the
form of your heart racing, palms sweating, face burning, or muscles
tightening, or you may notice yourself suddenly becoming weak, slouched,
nauseous, faint, numb, or shut down.
“Of course, identifying your primitives can be accomplished only by none other than…your ambassadors; specifically, your hippocampus. By definition, if you are able to notice your primitives in action, they can’t have gained the upper hand. If they have, it’s too late; better luck next time. And you can be assured that there most likely will be a next time.
“It’s always helpful to recognize what works well, in addition to what does not. For this reason, I also recommend identifying your ambassadors. Notice when they step up to the plate in support of your relationship; give them credit where credit is due. And invite them step forward whenever their warmth, wisdom, calm are needed.
“If your primitives are allowed to have their way–as sometimes happens–there will be no lollygagging around when danger’s afoot. Life will be filled with one crisis after another, as you continually fire blind without thinking of the consequences. But when relationships are at stake, you want to avoid pulling the trigger. So call on your ambassadors to slow things down.
“Identify your partner’s primitives and ambassadors in action. At times, especially if your partner’s primitives are large and in charge, you may be able to do this before your partner can. Likewise, your partner sometimes may be able to do it for you before you can yourself. – Stan Tatkin in Wired for Love
What an awesome description of explaining what to do to have life and relationships work. Of course it is easier said than done. Like he said “better luck next time,” as you try again to calm the primitives down so the ambassadors can work well.
Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado. She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928
“Of course, identifying your primitives can be accomplished only by none other than…your ambassadors; specifically, your hippocampus. By definition, if you are able to notice your primitives in action, they can’t have gained the upper hand. If they have, it’s too late; better luck next time. And you can be assured that there most likely will be a next time.
“It’s always helpful to recognize what works well, in addition to what does not. For this reason, I also recommend identifying your ambassadors. Notice when they step up to the plate in support of your relationship; give them credit where credit is due. And invite them step forward whenever their warmth, wisdom, calm are needed.
“If your primitives are allowed to have their way–as sometimes happens–there will be no lollygagging around when danger’s afoot. Life will be filled with one crisis after another, as you continually fire blind without thinking of the consequences. But when relationships are at stake, you want to avoid pulling the trigger. So call on your ambassadors to slow things down.
“Identify your partner’s primitives and ambassadors in action. At times, especially if your partner’s primitives are large and in charge, you may be able to do this before your partner can. Likewise, your partner sometimes may be able to do it for you before you can yourself. – Stan Tatkin in Wired for Love
What an awesome description of explaining what to do to have life and relationships work. Of course it is easier said than done. Like he said “better luck next time,” as you try again to calm the primitives down so the ambassadors can work well.
Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado. She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928
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