Wild Island / Insecurely Avoidant

“Islands [insecurely avoidant] tend to have both heightened primitives and wild ambassadors.  If your partner is an island, he or she may rely too much on talking to work out issues.  This often is a consequence of not being able to connect readily on a nonverbal level.  Of course this imbalance is natural for an island and generally may not lead to complaints in setting other than romantic relationships.  When the relationship becomes distressed, a left brain gone wild can get your partner into hot water if he or she comes across as overly logical, rational, arrogant, unemotional, or unexpressive, or an insufficiently empathic.  Under stress, an island can be overly terse, dismissive, and inflexible, or too silent or too still.
“During a conflict, an island will tend focus on the future and avoid the present and past.  ‘The past is past.  Why can’t we just move forward?’ is a common island approach.  In all-out war, an island’s left grain gets hijacked by primitives and can become threatening by communicating attack or retreat.  Rendered useless to social or creative causes, it uses words (or the withholding of words) as weapons.  It still sounds like an ambassador, but it acts like a primitive: its only interest is survival.” – Stan Tatkin, Psy.D. in Wired for Love

How we communicate in love and war will depend on our relationship styles.  Islands are just one of three possible styles.  See earlier posts for more information on the three.

Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado.  She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928

Relating Styles

Three styles of relating:
"Anchor-
-Secure as individuals
-Willing to commit and fully share with another
-Generally happy people
-Adapt easy to the needs of the moment
"Island-
- Independent and self-reliant
-Take good care of themselves
-Productive and creative, especially when given space
-Low maintenance
"Wave-
-Generous and giving
-Focused on taking care of others
-Happiest when around other people
-Able to see both sides of an issue" - Stan Tatkin, Psy.D. in Wired for Love

It is helpful to know that others don't relate in the same way we do.  Their attachment relating effects relationships.  Securely attached, insecurely avoidant, and insecurely ambivalent are other ways of saying the above styles.  The Stan Tatkin says "what a boring place this world would be if it were any other way."  That is an optimistic way to look at relationship difficulties!

Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado.  She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928